Just Another Angry Guy

The Bear and The Lion!

2011-10-29T20:39:00.000-07:00

It's just so damn obvious. The only time I ever write in this blog is when I'm angry, sad or both yet tonight is different. I'm actually not too angry or sad, but then again I am. I'm actually feeling more anxious than anything right now. I have two beautiful girls I can go see right now and yet I site here alone. I'm afraid of going. I always am. Every time I walk into a public place alone I can't help but feel like all eyes are on me and I don't mean that in a good way. I just feel like people stare at me and snicker behind my back. I guess you could call it social anxiety but I just call it my personality. So here I am all dressed up and ready to go and instead of leaving I'm blogging to myself.

Anyway since this isn't a legit blog I'll just go on.

This weekend has been pretty good. I worked all day Friday around the house and then messed around with my truck today. A friend came over and she and I watched some of the Dexter series which is my favorite show at the moment. Then she left and I just sat in the garage for a few hours... just sat there. Then I came inside and stared at the TV not even knowing what was on. I left and went to a drive through and now I'm back home. I guess it hasn't been a great weekend but it definitely hasn't been the worst.

It's so bad. Literately as I sit here I can physically feel my mood decline. I wish I could describe this sensation. I don't know why I can not considering how many times I've felt it. It's like something in my head slides down my neck and into my chest and I feel weight. I feel weight on my shoulders and neck and my breathing seems to take a conscious effort. My surrounding seem to dim and no matter where I am I want to run away. Even when I'm alone. I wish I could escape this. I want to be normal like everyone else, just not as simple-minded.

I think my battle with superiority and inferiority is one of the biggest issues I face when trying to blend in with society in general. I mean it's like these two very real extremes.
One is the bear and the bear is big and ugly and mean and nobody likes him. He never knows what to say and if he ever tries to speak he always says the wrong things. The bear realizes that it is best for him to stay in his cave and not be bothered at all but the bear is lonely.
The other is the lion and the lion is strong and handsome and very much smarter than anyone else in the jungle. In fact he is so smart that it is hard for him to make friends because the only way he can communicate with anyone is to " dumb down " but that scares him because he's afraid if he continues to do this he may forget how smart his is.
The only things the bear and the lion really have in common is that they both believe it is better off to be alone, they both are probably wrong and they both reside in me.
I am the bear and I am the lion.

I am the bear...

I am the lion...

So FUCKING tired. So FUCKING what!

2011-07-04T06:44:00.000-07:00

Last night I forced my self to get on my motorcycle and spend my last few dollars on beer and dinner at this mediocre Mexican place a couple of miles from my place.

I had three 34oz beers and a little bit of food. I came home and picked an old Townes Van Zandt song called Flyin' Shoes. Then I set up my noose and stared at it. I decided to sleep on it and popped a sleeping pill and went to bed.

I woke up feeling just as bad, if not worse than I did last night. I had a small bowl of cereal and then came down here to sit and think. Outside the sun is shining and the sky is clear, yet it still seems dark to me. It's my fault for putting all I have into one person. It's not fair to him. I wish I could be normal.

I wish I had the guts to hang myself, but I doubt I ever will. I'll probably end up locked up in some mental hospital. Who knows?

I'm just so tired of being sick. I'm tired of shaking and hurting. I'm tired of me... the way I am and I'm tired of begging God to change me. He cursed me with being ugly, insecure and having thoughts in my mind that I don't want.

It's bullshit, all of it!

2011-07-03T13:02:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep or I sleep too much... way too much. I rarely every get it right.

I only feel anger and/or pain and sometimes I just want to feel nothing at all.

I want to cry so I can feel alive.

I have to fake happiness but sometimes I just can't.

I hurt everyone around me, especially one I love most.

I have unhealthy and weird thoughts, wants and dreams.

I like the feeling of being used.

I long to feel " below " others, especially the one I love.

I am indeed a weird person.

My life, my body only takes up space on earth.

There is no good inside me.

I try to buy love because I have none to give. Love is just a word I use often because maybe if I say it enough, I'll feel it.

For every hour of happiness I have they're 48 or more of pain, confusion and sadness.

I contemplate suicide often but one person keeps me here... _______.

Money is gone. I had it and now it's gone.

Due to my own accord my health is declining.

Alcohol no longer masks my emotions so I don't drink much. Plus even it did help with the pain, I've grown to be comfortably in agony.

Even on the brightest of days I never see the sun.

I don't know how to be a friend and I TRULY don't know how or why anyone would want to be mine.

I have been used by so many people that I now lust for it.

I take a mood stabilizer... I guess it assure me that my depression is stabilized.

I want to get better but I know I can't because God has chosen me as to endure this. I am his fucking joke. I am here to suffer. It's my role.

The more I get, the more I want.

I am ugly... it's not my fault.

This is just a whisper that I wish someone would here but it also sounds like I am trying to get someone to feel sorry enough for me to love me. What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't deserve to have any friends.

If I'm still around when Dad dies I am going to sell everything and just go away. Lie about my name and age and disappear.

Thanks for reading and FUCK YOU!

my penis

2011-07-03T10:11:00.001-07:00

... it's barely 6" long and horrible when flacid.

FUCK

dooooood

2011-06-25T15:50:00.000-07:00

I love you. You know that.
Even though I didn't raise you I do love you.
I don't mean to bug you but I know I do at times.

Take your contact lenses out at least every other day. You may not believe it, but you are messing up your eyes.

Hold your fork right in public. Good table manners are cool and I'm not trying to be a dick or put you down.

Pick up after yourself. Nobody ( including MOST girls ) likes an unorganized home.

Keep up with your belongings. It helps in not losing things even though you rarely do... it's just advice.

Keep your dick in your pants for now and concentrate on school. Girls come and go and now is not the time.

I would say don't do drugs but that will never be a problem with you.

Take care of your things, respect them. Even the smallest things you have were paid for with hard work. Remember that.

Remember that there is only one God and he not only loves you but judges you.

Finally never forget those that truly love you. Not just the ones that say it, but the ones that prove it.

down-up-down...

2011-06-25T15:25:00.000-07:00

Wow! At this very second I feel ok.

Friday is my 38th birthday and at 12:00 I have my psych appointment. After that D and I are gonna hit the river somewhere. COOL!

I been sittin here thinking of things that used to make me happy.

1. Mr. W
2.playing my guitar ( barely have the desire to pick it up anymore )
3. riding my bike ( looking at it makes me sick because I have to spend $1000 just to make it comfortable )
4. exercise ( I haven't done this in a while but vow to start again today )
5. The feeling of being of loved ( I know it's there, I know it is )
6. Working on modifying my vehicles ( but my I HATE my truck )

The only thing is that only one of these makes me happy ALL the time is Mr. W. but I feel like I'm bothering him because I keep asking him weird questions... he's just a kid and I need to leave him alone. I want to run but I don't. I know he loves me. I just wish he'd say it more but then again he is just a teenager.

It just sucks that I can't seem to break free of this depression due to my obsession.

I'm not giving up just yet though. Maybe D will help, maybe he won't. Maybe he can't. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong direction or expecting too much.

Exercise will help like it has in the past. I have stayed depressed for about 2 weeks steady now with not even one break. I HAVE TO BEAT THIS!

I HAVE TO WIN! I have too much love in me and around me to let go.

I just fucked up again

2011-06-25T10:28:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to go tubing today with D and his family. We got a late start to the day which left more and more time for my already declining mood to sink lower. Still I vowed to fight it and have a good time.

They finally came and picked me up around 12:30. Devin was kinda quiet. Probably because he stayed up late which made me feel a little bad since he never does with me, but not a big deal.

Anyway I started feeling worse and started shaking and having trouble breathing. I lied and told them to run me back by the house because I forgot my wallet. When we got here and ran out of the truck and told them I wasn't going. I was and am so afraid to fuck up D's day. I can't shake my depression. Plus seeing Matt ( his mom's boyfriend ) and D together made me think of them fucking me ov'.. I mean forgetting me when we were all supposed to go kayaking.
That was not really the issue though. It's me. I just can't seem to keep searching for something that may or not be there. Shit, he has to love me. He's just not as deep or emotional as I am.

So here I sit home alone as usual. I wish I would have went. It may have helped me feel better but I may have just drug everyone around me down. I can't hurt that kid. I can't and if I can help it I won't.

I'm just tired of hurting.

Last night after months of considering suicide I finally got a plan together. I am
( if I do it )going to hang myself. I have a heavy duty belt with metal rings in it just beg enough to let a long drywall screw pass through. I did some measurements and figured I could wrap the belt around my neck while on a stool and then drill the screws through the metal rings into the 2x6 support beam atop the walkway in my room.

What's stopping me? Two things. One is D and the hope that our friendship will blossom rather than sour and the other thing is that there might be medication out there that will truly help. Friday is my birthday and on that day at 12 noon I have an appointment with my Psych Doctor. Hopefully she can get me on the right shit this time.

The only other thing bothering me is that my dick is under 6". It never bothered me before but now it is driving me to the point where I have been searching for penis enlargement devices and even considering surgery ( yes they do that ). Now I'm obsessed with penis size and having a friend with a huge one, I want to see it so bad it is making me physically sick. What the fuck is wrong with me? I am so mad at God for making me this way. Sick obsessions and a fucked up mind.. depressed. I don't deserve to be!

Actually there are a few more things but they are not too major. One, like many people is money and the other is my piece of shit truck. I have had so many nice vehicles and to not be driving a white trash truck at my age is shameful.

I should have just went tubing! I fuck up everything.

W.T.F. is W.W.M.???

2011-06-23T15:59:00.000-07:00

"I wanted to see it. I caught it out of the corner of my eye..."

I always dreamed of someone, something like this, but it is only partially a dream come true. I am trying to take a friendship and turn it into my dream. I am trying to distort it and it will never come to reality (someone to love me as much as I love). The funny thing is that I don't want it ( my dream ) to come true. I can't handle the yin and the yang. hahahahaha

Things are good. I'm the only one with the problem because I can't get these weird thoughts and obsessions out of my head. Since I can't have what I want my stupidity has evolved into a hunger to be humiliated. I can't believe it, but it's true. I'm ashamed of the inner "me" and feel as though if only I could be humiliated by... someone... then somehow it would make me feel better.

To be looked down upon is in some ways better than being overlooked at all; or is it?

Sometimes in my twisted, sober dreams I wish none of this ever happened and that I was still caught up in my own loneliness, but feeling this way is in some ways a good thing. Because of this I have realized that my biggest problem is and has always been me.

God has done so much for me as well as to me. He has given me love and with that love he has taunted and tortured me. My love is deeper than yours, not his, but yours. I think this is a big reason for my current bout of depression. I need to here " I love you " but not just as a reply to mine. I want to hear others say it on their own accord. I want to be loved as much as I love.

My mind, my thoughts, like my love is deep. I still feel as though I have no match, no equal.

I KNOW I am loved. I know it with all my heart and still I have to hear it. Damn my insecurities!
Damn my lack of social intellect! Damn my desire and damn it all I will NOT give up. I am going to learn from my mistakes. I am not gonna hurt anyone anymore. What I will do is seek humiliation high. If I can not be kicked in the face on earth then I will seek it elsewhere if only in my mind.

I just have to stop looking for everything I want in one person. It's not fair to them. I need to embrace all that I have in others rather than focus on the few things I don't.

Still I just want to hear you say "I love you" everyday.

I will give and you reluctantly take and all I want is a punch in the face. Step on me. Walk on me. Not only will it truly make me happy, it will make me love you more.

Wrap your arms around me when you hug me or please, slap me in the face. I don't know which one I want more.

Oh I hope you know this is just a vent and I mean no harm at all. Do not be angered by this electric sheet of paper for it is only a random page in my mind.

Now hit me :)

I did love until my heart became black and blue.

2011-05-21T19:42:00.000-07:00

I fell in love one last time. Such a fool I am.
I saw all the warning signs but only in hindsight.
The kid forgot me once and then again and then once more and again.
I can't forgive because the hurt won't go away.

I tried to buy love. I tried to coax it out with material things but it wasn't there. It isn't. Maybe it never was or will be.

I lived in my own dream for a minute and for the first and last time in my life it had purpose, so I thought. Maybe I wasn't thinking but instead hoping. I tried to show love not only the ways I know how but to learn new ways. I read so many things to try to help me be a good influence, a good role model but I guess I blew it.

I never knew how to throw a football before. I learned. Was it love? I never got tired of him so it had to be, but it was one sided. I'm a video game. Played until the new wears off.

It has to be me. I have failed.

I lost my temper towards him. It wasn't because he damaged some of my possessions. It wasn't because he spilled something. It was because I was forgotten twice. Then I was lied to and now here I am forgotten again.

When his Mom got a new boyfriend I told him that I was going to lay low because I didn't want to interfere. He actually shed a tear. It hurt me so I decided to keep on going. That was my BIGGEST mistake.

Now when they are together I am out of mind. I have become an afterthought. Still I don't regret telling him how much I love him and I don't regret ANYTHING I've ever done for him. My only regret is becoming a part of his life because I am stuck here helpless while he hangs around . And I am forgotten.

What do I mean to him? Do I mean anything to him? I can't tell anymore. He acts the same around him as he does me. Happy. Seeing that makes me happy because that is all I want him to be is happy in his youth. I also want to see him succeed and to become a responsible man. I want him to be a man of his word.

I have no place wanting anything for him.

He is not mine.
He never was and...

To all of my friends including the ones I've yet to meet.

2011-03-01T14:36:00.001-08:00

Girls, look in the mirror. Your beauty is fading.

And boys, your face is aging as time keeps raging.

So what should you do?

Live.

Live like it's the "in" thing to do and

Love

Love until your heart turns black and blue.

Dream

Don't let them escape as the world tries to rape you

Never give up until they come true.

Remember, you're all here for a reason and

Life's just a season and at that's one thing that will always be true.

I hope everyone has a great week and remember to take the time to take it all in.

There will always be good times and there's always bad times but remember to let all the good things shine through.

a little light can go a long way.

2011-02-19T20:26:00.000-08:00

January 19, 2001 at 10:52pm as I stood outside alone in the driveway of my modest suburban neighborhood. I couldn't help but notice the stillness and silence around me; so peaceful, so beautiful. The wind was still and I couldn't help but gaze at the sky. The sun has long since set and yet in an unexplainable way the sky was bright. Vivid dots of white with only the slightest hint of smoke-like clouds. Perfection. For those few minutes of my life I was comfortably alone... or was I?

As I stared up at the beauty before me my mind began to wonder as it once did often and I was reminded of the many repressed moments I've felt the way I did at that moment. It's the weather; Cool outside, but far from cold with the slightest hint that summer will once again return. All of a sudden my dull, self absorbed sadness was at bay, replaced by peace. I smiled ins pite of myself being alone at the moment. I'm used to it. Only I didn't feel alone. I felt connected as if I were surrounded by the ones I hold the closest. Content filled my heart and my mind. Beauty and comfort only God can provided and I embraced it as I too felt embraced.

Although I'm convinced that my way of thinking is rational I started to ponder light. Now I'm not talking about the kind of light we read by nor am I referring to enlightenment. I'm talking about light in the sense of others around us that illuminate our very existence. I think that the common thread that holds us all together is the basic human desire to seek the light of others. We need other people in our life. We need to feel loved and to know the joy and pain of loving. For some of us it's Mom and Dad, for others it may be your children and grandchildren but others such as myself it's merely a simple friend that brightens and enlightens the road of life.

It's commonplace to love your family and to make sacrifices for them as they do for you but what about those not related to you... the ones that just evolve into someone priceless. I'm not talking about your boyfriend or girlfriend but what about those who love you and never have to say it. The people you know love you; The ones who project their love so profoundly that even in silence you can hear it. You can feel it. Those are the people that you make sacrifices for and don't even realize it because to do for them is a joy. There are no words to describe love on such a level.

I'm blessed to know that love. To be illuminated by such presence, however briefly, continues to shine upon my life eternally, and tonight looking up at the sky it wasn't the stars that shined upon me but rather the smiles in my memories, the laughter of my past and the gratefulness to remember them both.

A Tribute to Depression

2011-02-10T16:07:00.000-08:00

Now there is another one that won't escape my mind

Leave me like all the others but haunt me all the time

Joining me in solo journey that never seems to end

Pouring all my love upon an imaginary friend

...an imaginary friend

And I never saw the difference between growing up and growing away

I thought it would be forever, the time we had to play

So now I live in horror with dreams of suicide

A wounded hole inside my heart where you can run and hide

I'll be right here waiting just like I said I would

And I'd give my life for you if I thought it'd do you good

...if I thought it's do you good

All of the depression that I must endure

The loneliness you impose yet you're the only cure

I guess the pain's a love song to show you that I care

If it's the cost of loving you then it's a cross I'll bear

... you're the cross I bear

And I never saw the difference between growing up and growing away

I thought it would be forever, the time we had to play

Talking to Myself Again ( I not i )

2011-01-16T20:48:00.000-08:00

My ass is sore. I've spent so much time behind this screen lately that my ass is sore. I lost my job two days before Thanksgiving 2010 and since then I've been hustling to pay the bills however, I have succeeded thus far.
Since I have so many followers I guess I'd better tell you all how I've managed to scrape by before the tension boils the water cooler at the office.
I've been bombing Craigslist with adverts for upholstery work and headliners. I've managed to get a few jobs from them as well as some referrals from a friend and the combination has " kept the lights on ". The problem is that I've had so much idle time spent online that I think I bruised my ass.
If any of you live here in Georgia I'm sure you've all heard the phrase " cabin fever " used quite a bit lately. After all we are just now thawed out after a very unusual snow and ice storm that kept the little ones out of school for a week. That has left many of us, myself included, away from work and falling behind. This week, if all goes well, will be very hectic for me as I not only have to come up with an extra $100 this week for supplies, but also the usual $500 for bills by the end of the month. To say the least mother nature has shared with us a bitter-sweet blessing.
My journey of self employment has made me realize that when you are your own boss you have to work harder and longer than you ever would for anyone else. You have to constantly be on the look out for work and potential customers. You no longer are payed by the hour, rather a full commission based salary. You stay awake at night wondering if tomorrow will bring in the rest of the money for your bills or if you make any money at all. On the upside if I ever decide to get serious about my health again, I can easily make the time to exercise. So far taking the risk to call my self self employed has been the scariest thing I've ever done, but honestly I think it is by far the best decision I've made in years.
Still with all my confidence I must remind myself that I do have a mental illness. I don't do this to dwell on failure or excuse the potential for doing so, but rather because my illness constantly reminds me of its' presence. I'm dangerously close to the " giving up " point in my life on so many levels, but then if you know me you have seen this all before. Once again my faith in people has been challenged and once again my doubt and regrets have returned to haunt me. I don't know why, but no matter how hard I try I still deem myself as unlovable. Kindness from others still instills a red flag in my mind and leads me to wonder what are someone's true motives are. I cannot convince myself otherwise. I do believe that there are people out there that genuinely do love me, but no matter how hard I try to believe it, when I'm away from them I feel unloved. I revert back to my familiar way of thinking which is quite frankly " all or none " believing that it is just not possible to find a gray area. I believe this to be part of my illness and I actually hope it's true. Surely my friends can still care about me even though they choose to spend time with others beside me, right? I wish I could believe it. I could even tell myself that over and over again and not believe it until I see them face-to-face. Then I will not only believe, but become consumed by just knowing that someone wants to share their life or at least some of it, with me.
Still as soon as we part i am left with a feeling of betrayal in knowing that they are going to laugh with someone else; that someone else is making them happy. Then I slip back into my lack of faith in and trust of others. I feel used. I know in some cases this is true, but I sometimes have trouble identifying the authenticity of the individual situation. I tend to see everything so unlike others and it makes me jealous of the fact that they are " normal ". I guess that's why even though people always seem to like me upon a first meeting, friendship rarely, if ever, evolves further.
I guess in a way it's a good thing that I don't have many friends because i do tend to value friendship too highly or maybe I just take people too seriously. I'm not sure. I just don't have a clear understanding of people at even an elementary level. I have a disease though there are no obvious indications of my disease. I guess it's fair to say that no one will ever understand me or try to do so while I, on the other hand, may never truly understand others but will waste the rest of my life trying to do just that. I think the best situation for me would be to live alone and with very little human contact this way not only will I not be hurt anymore, I will also not have the chance to confuse or corrupt others.
I constantly feel the need to apologize to the ones I admire the most. The ones i feel are a true gift from God. These are few and far between but these special people that come and go in my life, the ones I treasure most are the ones I fuck up the most. I get angry at them when they are not around and I say mean things to them sometimes because of my lack of trust and/or jealousy as stated before. This in turn reminds me of my Father and all of this is part of the reason for my attempts of suicide. Even then i would have to apologize prior to the act. Still at times I am jealous of those before me who have succeeded. If they were as confused and hurt as i often find myself then I imagine that that may have been the best option.
This is the first time in my life that I have been able to clearly put into words what's going on in my mind so I leave you with a final thought, a question and it is this:

What pill do I take to fix this, what class do I attend and who among you are willing to take the time to help me?

I should have learned my lesson

2011-01-16T17:07:00.000-08:00

I can't get you out of my head
No matter how I try
Maybe if I was human
I'd let go and cry

I should have learned my lesson
I've done it a thousand times
Believing in forever
Believing that you're mine

I met so many like you
Each time I went blind
I thought that you were special
and It was real this time

But we're just temporary
A wrinkle left in time
Although I'll always remember
those feelings in my mind (in my mind)

I've thanked God that I met you
and Also cursed the day
Now that you have left me
Your memories won't fade (I wish they'd go away)

I never even told you
I never told a soul
The way that I have loved you
and Thoughts I can't control

But we're just temporary
A wrinkle left in time
Although I'll always remember
those feelings in my mind... in my mind... in my mind!

And So It Begins or Ends or Begins- A Christmas Story

2010-12-01T18:49:00.000-08:00

These days if someone one asks me how I feel about the holiday season you might hear me mumble something reminiscent of that of old Mr. Scrooge. While for some Christmas and New Year's Eve provoke a magical time to spend with family and friends and reflect back on triumphs and disappointments of the ending year while simultaneously looking forward to the year ahead, I myself see no beginning or end but rather only subtle differences. Depression is a way of life for me. Depression is my life and when you pile on the onslaught of holiday hassles such as having to deal with all the " Merry Christmas " joyous people who will fight for hours to park closer to the mall, " Joy to the World " does not come to mind. So how do I feel about this magical time of year? " HUMBUG! "

Life is withering slowly to an end as December draws its' last few breaths of 2010 and contradictory to my previous paragraph, I'm going to reflect back on some of my personal highlights of the blessed year. Mind you, I use the definition of
" highlights " rather loosely. While some give an " all the good things " answer to the question; ' What is a highlight? '. I sarcastically define a personal highlight as nothing more that more shit added to the pile that is my life. So good riddance to 2010 and bring on the new year!

The good, the bad, and the not so bad is how I would define most of the events in my life throughout 2010. I'll start with the good. In April, having no outstanding debt, I ordered a nice, new, Italian sports car. Well it isn't really a sports car. It's a motorcycle! Well it's not exactly a motorcycle, but it isn't a moped either. It's a scooter and I love it. So that's one thing off the list. Next would be around June I ran into an old friend. We knew each other years ago when we were but teens. It's always nice to make new friends, especially since my introverted personality makes it challenging for me. It's also nice to be reunited with old ones Although we have both changed tremendously. Having met her I have some how earned the honor of mentoring her son. He's a great kid that has had a few tough breaks and that is all I will say about them. On to the next thing; my yard. Having taken a little more preventative car in the fall and winter, my lawn looked pretty good this year. I got a lot ( but not all ) of the things done on my yearly
" to do " list so that was nice. Lastly, I took a road trip to Bossier City, LA to see an old friend and the best part; I rode my scooter! Well those are the high points in chronological order. And now onto the not so bad.

So even though I have a lot of things to bitch about in the next paragraph, I'll try to keep this one a little more lively with some not so bad things that happened or didn't in 2010. First of all I didn't really get sick save for about 3 pretty bad colds and some bugs in my hair. I didn't gain weight ( or lose any ). I still have a place to live, however tragic the living conditions are. I have a pretty reliable old car that still gets me around and most importantly I did NOT kill myself. This may seem funny, but in all honesty I though about it a lot, to the point where not only had a written a suicide letter ( on more than one occasion in 2010 ), but had also scoured the internet to find the best way to do it. C02 is the way to go and I even have it here. I spent many nights fighting my emotions in silence, holding my phone in my hand and wondering if I should call the hot line and then telling myself to man up. On a side note; what the hell does " man up " mean? I guess it means to suppress your human emotions as they may be a sign of weakness and weakness is of coarse anything but manly. So there you have it. The not so bad things of 2010 through my eyes.

Now on to the main course. If you are still reading then this is what you've been waiting for. The shit that sucked for me in 2010, or as I like to call it, " The year of the same old bullshit with new, never seen before rage! " I'm not sure where to start. Oh yes I am. Work. My job is ( was ) shit. My boss is a drunk, seriously. He usually starts around ten. This wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that he waits until Friday at five pm to tell me how he's gonna fuck me and not pay me. I could write a book on all the ways he's fucked me around for the past four years, but I'll cut to the chase. When I lost my apartment in Atlanta it was right after the holidays two years ago. We got slow and he cut my hours to three days a week. This time he told me to stay home and never told me to come back. I even brought him work from a friend of mine that did me a favor. He charged him double and the shit has been sitting there a month. I hate that ASSHOLE! Still hungry? Read on.

No holiday would be complete without family and mine is fucked. My Father and I have been in a non-stop argument since I was about 21. We do take breaks every now and then to eat and sleep, but it's rare. Rather then go into detail which would fill a 1TB hard drive ( I hand wrote 18 pages during my scooter trip to LA alone )
I can sum it up by simply saying that my hate now outweighs my love for him. Sure I take him for granted, but I just don't care anymore. I am a basically angry person and you would be too if you worked for a piece of shit boss like me and lived with a loud, miserable, short-tempered asshole Father like mine. If I have to spend Christmas or New Years Eve with him I'm going to start drinking at breakfast. Viva Familia!

So where am I now? To recap I'm jobless, I'm blessed, I'm pissed, I'm full of rage, the likes I've never felt before and believe it or not, as silly as it sounds, I'm full of hope. Sometimes having nothing is the best way to get something and the loss of a job is a chance to fulfill a dream. I've made my dreams come true before. I've worked hard and did what I had to so for me starting 2011 unemployed is like sitting on the starting line of a race and I'm going to win, damn it!

Well I have to run. I'm starting to get all warm and fuzzy inside ( dashing through the snow ) thinking about the awesome ( jingle bells, jingle bells ) gift I got for my little ( oh what fun it is ) buddy and his sister.

So I feel alright at the moment. Just remember this kids: " Good or bad, this too shall pass. " If you don't believe me just read some of my older posts.

When will we be landing?

2010-10-12T17:39:00.000-07:00

Doctors will tell you that stress will kill you quicker than anything else. I say stress along with a sedentary lifestyle and a horrible diet is a self-inflicted death sentence! So WHY THE HELL am I doing all of the above?
Well for one thing, when I'm stressed I tend to eat. I don't snack a lot or overeat, but when I eat it more often than not is on fried food, pizza, etc. It's like a temporary high. On top of that I feel so unmotivated to work out. How foolish of me when I know better than anyone the effects of healthy eating and exercise can impact your life in a positive way. I did it for years having turned my life 180 degrees and now bouncing back to the other side.

Let's dissect this, shall we? ( Alright, so I now I'm talking to myself here, but aren't I always? )

Main causes of stress in my life. The big 3:
1) My current job. It's beyond dead-end and has no benefits, not taxes, no set schedule throughout the day and surrounds me with temptation to drink. On top of all of the above, since I hate the situation I can't help but feel a constant state of stress.
2) My relationship with my Father. I'm not going into detail but it too leaves me in a constant state of stress.
3) Loneliness. I I have a lot of friends yet I don't. I feel so inferior and/or superior to so many people. I really don't know any peers and up until recently my weekends were spent alone where my only joy was cutting grass. Social anxiety is a bitch.

What makes me happy? This is a tough question and the first thing that pops into my head is beer, but that, just like food is a temporary high, both with very dangerous consequences.

1) Without question my number one joy in life is spending time with my little buddy. Those that know me know who I'm talking about. Sharing yourself with someone is an amazing experience. You can not put a price on the feeling of being loved and needed and there is no greater feeling than when someone asks you for help.

2) As odd as this sounds one of my joys in life is exercise. Although I haven't done it much in a while, the feeling you get after working out is wonderful. After a few weeks of lifting weights and running you feel so accomplished and I could go on and on about the benefits.

3) Number three is a mix of things. I like riding my scooter on nice days. I like playing my guitar when others are around and I pretty much like being outside doing just about anything whether in the yard or the garage.

So there are six things that affect my mood in one way or the other and still for the most part I spend my time home, alone, reading. I'm not sure if I love to read, but I do love to learn. Still when I'm with someone I never suggest curling up with a good book or looking up a blog on the 'net.

So where am I going with all this? Where am I going?

treadmills and treachery

2010-10-12T17:07:00.000-07:00

Well as good as things seem to be going ( well actually they are ) on the outside of my skin, my internal struggles seem to be going nowhere. I've spent a lot of time with the kid lately and we have made a lot of progress around my house, still having plenty of time to do things for him which makes us both happy ( I think ). I'm still working on my own business and that too is a good thing because it gives me hope for a better life. I'll soon be able to do things for people that I never could before. Still I struggle with the " here and now ". Maybe this is just the way it will always be for me: happy/sad.

Lately things have been disappearing around here. First it was my watch which I had been wearing only minutes before it vanished. Next was a few important papers that I sat on my bed just before I went to taco night at Fernando's. When I came home an hour or so later that were nowhere to be found and just this weekend a pair of underwear were added to the M.I.A. list. My first thought was that I was losing my mind and that still very well may be the case. Another theory I have is that there is a ghost in my house. I really doubt this could be true but I do remember earlier this year that I saw one here, in my room.
I was laying in bed late at night and having often suffered with insomnia I was not in a peaceful dream state but rather my tossing and turning mode. While lying there I felt as if someone was watching me. I opened my eyes and saw a figure at the foot of my bed. He was wearing all black with a black hat, sort of a cowboy hat and a long black coat. No sooner had I saw him when he quickly moved across the foot of my bed and into my bathroom. I instantly screamed "WTF!" and jumped out of bed and into the bathroom. I turned the light on and saw nothing. I opened the shower door. No one was there. Could there be a link to the figure I saw months ago and the missing things of recent? I am not sure, but I hope this isn't the case.

I am afraid. The only things is that if the lines between what is real and what is not are blurred and if the missing things are the result of a black out of my awareness then I have to ask myself what to do. I keep hearing noises at night. NOt really voices but rather noises; tapping, ticking, etc. I know a lot of this can be dismissed as " the house sttling " but c'mon. No matter what is happening, I need help.

I don't fear physical harm yet I am afraid to go to sleep. I know that God protects me from things like this, but still I am afraid. Is this really happening? Do I indeed share my home with another spirit or is my anxiety getting the better of me?
I need to know.
I suppose if it's anxiety then there is no better time to get back to my work out regimen as this relieves stress but can it cure my mind? Should I seek help for me or call the ghost busters? All I know is that I have to find a way to make my mind and my things turn up.

Right. Down. The Middle.

2010-10-06T16:56:00.000-07:00

Guess what? I haven't written in a while. I do have a reason though. Before I proceed I will warn you that this is going to be lengthy.

OK... here we go! First a few points. In July I rode my scooter to Helen, GA and stayed for a few days. I started writing what would become a 18 page blog entry that I never posted here. I will say that I did learn a few things about myself though and a lot of what I learned is good. Anyway by the time I'd stopped writing I had covered several hundred miles riding from Georgia through Alabama and then onto Mississippi ultimately ending up just shy of the Texas border in the town of Bossier City, Louisiana where I stayed for a few days before heading back to Georgia. Now rather then recap everything I wrote down I'll just pick up with what's going on today.

It's Wednesday evening and the weather is cooling. The leaves are barely starting to turn, but you have to look close to notice them. My grass is growing very slowly, fighting hibernation and my pool is all but useless unless you're brave ( which I was Saturday night... COLD ). I always seem to get so depressed in the fall as the holiday season fast approaches, but this year may be different in some ways. Oh sure there will be the inevitable arguments with my father, the stress of never having enough money to buy everything I want for all the people I want to buy for this Christmas and the painful look in the mirror and seeing that I didn't lose as much weight as I'd planned. You know what? All that ( well sans the arguing with Dad ) looks like it's going to be different this year. I've been blessed!

For starters I'm in the process of slowly but precisely getting my own business(s) off the ground. I'm embarking on a journey to places I've never been and I'm excited. I have very little to lose and so much to gain. I'm using and stretching my brain and the feeling is wonderful. I finally see the light ahead. I no longer feel trapped in my job and know now that it's only a stepping stone. I make just enough to keep the bills paid and put aside a few dollars if I discipline myself, but this is going to change. Soon I will be living a dream of mine. Will I become instantly wealthy? Maybe but I will be self employed!

Secondly I have found a very special friend. "D" from one of my earlier posts. Now I'm not going into a whole lot of detail, but I will say that feeling needed and trusted and loved are so great that there is nothing more a human could strive for. It's the ultimate gift from God other than that of his own son. The only other thing I can say is that I'm glad I have more time to save for Christmas because I hope to give him and his sister a great one.

Now the book: In late 2005 I read a book called The Abs Diet by the editor of MensHealth Magazine and it changed my life. By late 2006 I had went from a weak and obese 280+ pounds to a strong and lean 160+/- body with a nicely defined midsection. I did this by following the rules of the book. I simply ate healthy and I ate a lot! I ate more than I ever did at any other time in my life and lost weight. I exercised 3 days a week and sometimes four. I ran or walked on the treadmill six days a week for 30 minutes. That's it. I ate healthy and exercised no more than an hour a day on average for six days a week. I continued to do this for about two years and during this time I was completely off of any and all depression medication. I felt confident and was proud of my body. I miss that feeling so I'm rereading the book and am starting the journey back this weekend with a trip to the grocery store.
I did it once and I can do it again. This time I'm right at 200 pounds and my goal is to bulk back up and hit the 165 mark on the scale.

Other than that it's business as usual. I only work 3, maybe 4 days a week at my regular job and have dedicated my " off " days to working on my own business projects as well as the usual yard work, etc and the best part of all is I get to spend time with "D".

Well I have a plan, it's in motion. I can sway back to the way things were and get depressed or I can stay right where I am now, at the starting line OR I can take off so the next time I write hopefully I'll get an A on my progress report.

A wolf in sheep's clothing

2010-07-13T19:52:00.000-07:00

a hundred degrees and it still feels like winter
nothing is simple and nothing is new

the face of child will tear you to pieces
better a memory than a dream that came true

selfish indulgence basks in depression
try not to think of those left behind

open your eyes so you don't have to see her
cover your ears and you won't hear her cry

laden by guilt of the prison created
by foolish kindness you shouldn't have shared

you cracked open their lives and filled them with illusions
illusions of someone that you'll never be

and if they remember then what are their memories
something you did or you didn't do

he joked once and told me I was a monster, bad person
so I sang him a song and shed not a tear

building a home and building a future
all the time only building a tomb

so I sang him a song and shed not a tear

tired...

2010-07-13T18:39:00.000-07:00

Oh!

It's just been so long since I've talked to myself. Lately, well for the past several weeks, I've just been letting life take me where it will and following the lead.

About a month or so ago I (re)met a girl that I knew briefly when I was a young teen boy. Funny huh? Well what is funny is that at the exact time we were reintroduced I was actually drunk. I really don't think it has anything to do with it, but I was. Since that day we have been together almost every day. The time we spend together is fun, but even more so is the time I've spent with her son, D. Before I get too far ahead of myself, which I often do, let me explain the whole situation. She lives only a few miles from me, is my same age and has tow teenagers. The youngest being the boy and her daughter being a few years older at 16.

I really don't know what to think of the girl. We'll call her K. She is pretty and seems to be really nice and very respectful. She has a few tastefully done piercings and in my opinion, she dresses nice. She only likes black boys and she has gotten in a little trouble lately ( sneaking out of the house at night which to me is typical teenage b.s. ). Overall I personally do not have a problem with her. However, I do have problems with the situation in general.

D! He's the ripe age of 13 and looks like your typical scrawny kid. Shaggy hair and all. I feel as though he has taken a strong liking to me and that is a very stressful situation because I've let it happen. I really enjoy my time with him and if you've never taught a child anything ( power tools, guitar, etc. ) then you probably wouldn't understand. As soon as we began to hang out, after knowing some of his past, my first reaction was to father him. I think that it's not a good idea. I'm scared.

Momma on the other hand is another story, but not a bad one. As I mentioned earlier we are the same age. She, like my self is a few pounds overweight, but NOT a fatty. She is a really nice person. She raised her kids basically on her own although she was in a long relationship with a black man which the kids pretty much consider their Dad. Momma is anything, but soft-spoken. As she says; she doesn't have much, but what she does is hers. That's pretty cool because the kids have all the basics they need and do not live in poverty. That doesn't mean she doesn't have trouble making ends meet, but these days few people I know don't.

Momma and myself seem to get along well and have been hanging out for about 6 weeks or so. Oddly I've never even kissed her. This doesn't bother me. I don't feel romantically attached to her. I do consider her a friend. I like her kids. I'm just afraid of responsibility. Not that she has ever asked me for a thing nor have her kids. However, things may soon change nonetheless.

As any of you who know me will attest to my Father and I rarely get along. In fact there is ( at least in myself ) a certain degree of love and HATE for my Father. Since I've been spending more and more time with Momma and the kids my Father has been worse and worse. He's said so many bad things about her and her kids and it hurts me. Is she perfect? No. Are the kids? No Am I? No. Is my Father? HELL NO! This man will stop at nothing to hurt me and if he can't get to me directly he will scoff those I care about to hurt me even more. This is nothing new to him. As a child and young adult he always put my friends down in order to get to me. No one has ever been good enough. Not one friend, not one girlfriend. No one. Even those he is kind to face-to-face he will put down immeasurably when they are not around.

The hate for my Father is mirrored only to the hate of myself for letting him, my boss and many other people/places/things. Tension is so thick in this house right now. This Friday things got so bad that I snapped. I wanted to hit him. He constantly tells me to my face that I don't love him. He told me that me and Momma are going to marry and he said what a bitch she was. MANY other defilement! I snapped and pushed him. It felt good. I balled my fists and he kept YELLING! I began swinging... I hit myself so many times in the face that I bruised myself. It keeps going escalating higher and higher.

I want to leave. I want to run away. I want peace.

To add to the stress of a new relationship/friendship and D and K ( the kids ) and my Father, I'm still having chest pains daily.

I had the last week off from work without pay while my boss was on vacation. By " without pay " I mean not only was I not compensated for the week away from work, but he went out of town owing me the previous week's pay as well as the larger portion of the week prior. That's right. He went away for a week with not so much as giving me a tank of gas which would have been nice considering that I burned up an entire tank of gas in one day running errands for him, also with no compensation.

I'm ready to get off this ride. I don't really know what keeps me hanging on. I just don't. If you asked me a week ago what it is that makes me happy I'd quickly reply, D. But he doesn't need me. He may think he does, but he doesn't. My mood swings, my mental illness is real. I'm not one of those " designer depression " types. Mental illness runs in my family. We hurt each other. We hurt the ones we love. How can I put Momma or her kids through this; through me? I can't. The longer I hold on, the worse it will be for all of us.

For some people it's hard to hold on, for others it's hard to let go. None of these are hard for me. I have no problem holding on to my " no where " job with imaginary pay. I have no problem letting go of the love of my Father. No, my only problem is guts. I have none. I've been contemplating suicide for years now... ever since my last attempt which was interrupted with an unanticipated call from an old acquaintance. Well he did call the police. I need guts. I mean I don't have emotions like most people. My emotions are deep!

I used to write to express myself; to " get it out " but I can't even write anymore. I can't express myself in any way anymore. The one thing I had left is gone, but still here I am doing what I always do. Writing. Wishing. Hoping. Nothing ever changes and at the same time everything is changing faster than ever before.

I got high. Every time I do I fall. This time I was higher than ever, but now I'm riding down a landslide back into my own cesspool of shit. Ex business partner, The machine shop, Mini' Truckin', alcohol abuse, my boss, my Father, my stolen toys, everything. Fat. Everything I have ever achieved I've given away. I am a whore.

I have been having so much trouble sleeping and I haven't seen my psychiatrist in a long while. I know I need to go see her, but what can we accomplish? What can I accomplish? It's always the same old shit: " get a better job ", " move out ", " you can do it ". Bullshit! I HAVE TRIED!!!

I really just want to be alone. I really just want to be around happy people. I really just want to die. I really just want to be happy. I really want my Dad to go away. I don't want to see him die, but sometimes I look forward to his death. We are sick, He and I. We are murderers. We are suckers. I hate him. I hate him. I lo', hate him. Nothing on this earth can repair the damage he has caused. I hate his business partner. He fucks.

I'm not gonna do anything yet because I haven't hurt enough yet. I stress so much over a job that does NOTHING for me. I'm going on four years of dedication for nothing, especially not for me. I'm educated. I'm smart. I'm a sucker. My life is hate, self inflicted pain. I'm a whipping boy for my Father. I don't want to hurt D. I can take pain. I say I can't, but my actions prove otherwise.

I'm hiding away at home away from Momma and the kids. I don't want them to see me like this.

Why can't I be normal? Why can't I be happy? Why can't I have a real job... one that deserves me?

People can't make people happy. One will always hurt the other. I'm hurt. I hurt. I will hurt you. FUCK!

formspring.me

2010-04-10T15:41:00.001-07:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/Aguyfromyoutube

This is the worst or one of the worst things I ever wrote.

2010-04-05T15:10:00.000-07:00

This makes absolutely NO sense:

As you lay sleeping
Your head on your pillow
Dreaming in colors
Of crimson and blue

You walk hand in hand
Alone with your lover
Your holding the one
That you never knew

Somebody needs you
Somebody wants you
Somewhere there's someone
That's dreaming of you

As you look in her eyes
You see a reflection
A glimpse of a story
The story of you

She whispers your name
As you kiss her so gently
You long to be with her
But your dreaming is through

As you awaken
Still drunk from her memory
Your hearts beating faster
Because you know it's not true

The drifters come calling
They're holding their hands out
Begging for something
They'll never return

The summer belongs
To those all around you
But you can not touch it
It's no longer yours

Now it's your turn
To walk down the mountain
Into the mouth
Of the sinners below

You reach all around
As you call out to your savior
Searching for poison
To help you get through

You kneel at the cross
Deep in the valley
To find only silence
And no way to choose

Delivered from nothing
And salvaged from nowhere
The river consumes you
And winter is through

_______________________________________________________

Why did He make me this way?
Why am I afraid of life?
Why can't I live?
Why must I dream?
I do not want hope anymore.
I only wish to sleep for it is there where I am most alive.

My scooter, my scratchpad!

2010-04-03T17:50:00.000-07:00

First: I want to say is that Thursday I had the biggest scare of my life. Seriously.
Russ and I were at lunch at in an instant I felt an unusual amount of pressure on the center of my chest, kinda like someone put a 500 pound weight on me. At that very same time my left shoulder started tingling and aching. I became dizzy and was gasping for air. My first though: heart attack?. I was scared and told Russ that I didn't know if I should go to the hospital or not. By that time my neck and left shoulder started hurting as well. I drove back to the shop and called my family doctor to tell him what was going on. He asked me a few questions and told me to come to his office, now. I told him I was afraid and he told me that he would get me in right away. I drove there immediately in fear of my life; for my life. I walked in, signed in and sat down. Since the first sign of my symptoms until the time I got to the doctor's office about 30-45 minutes had passed. At the very moment I pulled in the doctor's parking lot all the pain had subsided. I decided to stay just to make sure I didn't just have a small heart attack. After almost two hours in the waiting room and still not being able to see the doctor I decided to leave.
Did I do the right thing? What should I do?

Next: Friday I went with Russ to Scooter Superstore in Norcross to quote a price on recovering a scooter seat. Now those of you that follow me on twitter or facebook already know that I've been considering buying one for several weeks. I initially looked at a 150cc Honda and almost bought it on the spot, but I promised myself to never make ( any more ) " seat of the pants " decisions. I instead went home and did some research. Three weeks worth of research as a matter of fact. In between that time Russ had mentioned going to the Scooter Superstore to quote the seat and suggested I wait to purchase a scooter until I talked to a former customer of ours whom happens to be the manager of the store. I went home and googled the store and fell in love. I saw the most beautiful scooter ever! It's an Aprilia Sportcity 250 cube. I did a lot of snooping around in forums, YouTube, manufacturer's websites, etc. and decided that this may very well be the one for me. To make an already long story short I ordered my Scooter Friday and it's supposed to be here Tuesday. For a total price including financing; the bike will have cost me $5,700 by the time it's paid off in three years. In my opinion that's not bad to have a cool scooter that will easily achieve 80+ miles an hour and get an average of 70mpg. I'm VERY excited!

Finally: Today has been a very magical day for me. To me this very day is a day of celebration that only comes once a year. For me today marked the beginning of summer. So why has summer officially started for me? Today was the first day this year that I did what is to become my weekly ritual, yard work. There is always so much to be done in the warmer months. Any of you that own a home know this is no exaggeration. But the first several weeks are the hardest, but most rewarding.

I started the day by getting gas for all the various machines and then went to work. Fortunately for me I had no trouble starting any of the machines that lay dormant all winter because I use sta-bil, which is one of the best things God has ever created. I edged, mowed, trimmed, spread weed killer, blew off the sidewalks and driveway and raked up a few leaves and limbs. I even managed to get a little sunburn. What a great day. Sure the work is hard, but the results are far worth the effort.

In the coming weeks I'll have to continue my usual weekly labor of love with some added bonuses. I'll have to pressure wash the concrete, plant some flowers, shape some bushes, do a little touch up painting, balance out and clean up the pool and rke up the rest of the leaves before I can get back to autopilot. I'm not looking forward to a lot of these chores, but it sure will be nice when my yard is once again the shining star of the neighborhood and my backyard is my own private paradise.

Again, this is just another one of my personal blogs to myself.

Enjoy your summer. I know I will!

formspring.me

2010-04-03T14:37:00.001-07:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/Aguyfromyoutube

Packing my bags for the rest of my life

2010-03-29T16:28:00.000-07:00

So it finally feels like spring around here. The grass is tall and the leaves are greening. The skies are warming and the birds are singing. The dawn of summer has arrived.

After work today, while digging through my drawers looking to see what shorts still fit me I picked a pair of blue plaid shorts which sparked a memory. Last summer I was fortunate enough to be in Panama City Beach, Florida for the fourth of July. I remember because on that day, besides my swimming trunks, I wore these shorts. Now you would think that memories of the beach, sun and fun would make me smile, but they didn't. The thing I remember most is what I was thinking when I bought these shorts. You see these particular shorts are actually a size 34 waist. I know this because I was forced to buy them as most of my once loose fitting size 32's had become a little tight. Sure I could still squeeze into them, but the key word is squeeeeze.

When I bought the blue shorts, just before my trip to the beach, I made myself a promise to lose weight by this time next year. Now with the arrival of spring and the looming " dog days of summer " it's time to cash in on that promise. Over the fall and winter months I've managed to clock in a few miles here and there running around the neighborhood but I still haven't managed to get back into any sort of routine. There was a time when my life revolved around fitness. My body came first and everything else was second. But there they were staring me in the face. A reminder telling me that I can't go back on my word.

Those shorts, unlike most of my clothes, are large. In this case bigger is definitely not better. My closet is filled with medium T shirts and size 32 jeans. In effect these cool-looking blue plaid shorts are a crossroad. To the left is apathy and complacency and to the right is a return to my roots, the real me. This got me thinking to myself. What are you going to wear for the rest of your life? Am I to be a cuddly 200 pound guy or a fit 160? Looking at these shorts is like staring into a mirror that sees into the past and the future which is the way I'm heading. Now it's time to pack my bags for the journey.

Now at this very moment, sitting in front of my computer, I'm doing nothing. And by nothing I mean nothing besides writing this and wishing that my three day long headache would go away. But in my mind I'm hard at work. I know at some point I have to go see the doctor for my annual allergy shot since I'm one of the lucky ones that always gets hit hard early on with sever allergies. Once my symptoms subside it's time to strap on those trusty running shoes and head back out into the world, my world. A world of work and reward. So even though I may be doing "nothing" at the moment, my plan is already spun into action.

In my life there is very little I have control over. I have a job I'm not fond of with pay that is even less attractive. Due to my financial state I live at home which has its' benefits ( financially speaking ) but the trade of is the lack of true freedom. If any of you have ever lived with a parent later in life I'm sure you know where I'm coming from. God bless our parents. Another thing I seem to have lost control of over the past several years is time. It seems that the older I become the more obligations I acquire. Things like cleaning the garage, grocery shopping, fixing a light socket, yard work, etc. all vie for my precious time. Still there is one thing that I, we have control over and that is our health.

Now rather then go into great detail about all the benefits of health and why we should all strive to be healthy, I'll just point out a few basic points.

1. Esteem: Being fit means feeling fit and feeling fit feels good and in turn helps you to feel better about yourself!

2. Longevity: Not only do those of us who are healthy live longer, but we last longer.

3. Inspiration: What better feeling is there than to help someone? By being fit, especially after not being so, we can inspire those around us to make positive changes towards health and ultimately towards happiness.

Now with the knowledge of fitness I have not only in theory ( not to mention my N.E.S.T.A. training ), but also in application as I managed to drop from 280 plus pounds to around 160 in a little over a year and keep most of it off for many years after
( although I am hovering close to the 200 mark now I stayed at the 160-165 mark for bout three years) It's time to pack my bags and begin my journey home. It's time for me to head back to the familiar streets for a run. Time to clean out the pantry and throw away the processed garbage. It's time to pick up the weights as well as my mood. It's time to go!

In my last post I basically blurbed my intended suicide. After writing that rather dim goodbye I started to think to myself: "What will make me happy?"
I wrote down a lot of things on a piece of paper, a list if you will. Well not really a list, more like a bunch of lists. Things like what makes me nervous and sad, what makes me happy, what are my dreams for the future. I wrote pages of responses to these questions, but it wasn't until I stumbled across a pair of little, well big blue shorts that I found my inspiration.

I hope that as you read this that maybe you found a little inspiration too.

E-mail me and let me know if you are in the same ( weight ) boat and let's do this together.

Until my next miserable blog...

A Constant Reminder

2010-03-22T20:08:00.000-07:00

Fuck!

I was feeling alright for a minute. I posted a shitty video on YouTube ( all my videos are shitty ) and this guy posted a funny video response on " how to learn country guitar ). I was smiling and I grabbed my classical guitar and made a video response. I put on a funny hat and play a few songs. I watched the video prior to posting it to see where and how I would edit it. I decided to delete it and not post one at all. I may post one after I get a mask to cover my face. Watching that video made me sick. I just got done watching and deleting it a few seconds ago. Now I feel like my normal fat pile of shit self.

I can't stand to look at myself. My YouTube name is " Ugliest1uEverSaw " which pretty much describes me. I'm so fucking ugly I can't imagine how people can even stand to look at my face. On top of that I can't believe how fat I've gotten. I know I need to start running again. I do miss it, but I can't find the motivation or inspiration to do so. I mean will it really make me feel better about myself? Did it before when I was in good shape? NO! Fat or fit I'm still the ugliest person on earth.

I've heard it said that God doesn't make ugly, but that is simply not true. God may not " see " ugly, but he certainly produces it.
Speaking of God, I can't help but to be a little angry at him. I know it's selfish to say that, but look at me. Why must I be so ugly and so unlovable? The only reason people even pretend to like me is to get whatever they can from me. I could give so many examples to prove this. I mean I know this one girl who claims to be my friend, but she always wants something when she sees me whether it be food, beer, a place to invite her low-life friends or all of the above. That is pretty much the only reason anyone even claims to like me. I may have a friend in Jesus, but to the world I am shit because I AM SHIT!

I fucking hate myself. I have no talent at all. At one time in my life I actually thought I had friends and maybe I did. At one time I thought I was good at something. What a fool I was back then. I guess I still am a fool today, just a different kind.

My life has regressed to nothing more than a life of work at a shitty job, work around the house I hate and sitting in front of my computer watching videos of happy people like some sort of creeper. I can't even find the desire to work on my stereo system I started last October. I can barely even work anymore. I have three alarm clocks and usually sleep through them all. On the days I do work I'm never on time. I just don't want to live anymore. I really can't seem to find a reason to anyway. My life has never been lived.

My memories can basically be categorized as follows:

Drunken happiness ( false happiness )
Regret and shame ( my memories of myself )
Anger ( towards myself and those around me )
Sadness ( due to loneliness and shame )
Hopelessness ( my only joy is in the things I truly despise )

Still to this day I have no idea why anyone would even talk to me. I am so fucking ugly that looking in the mirror sickens me. I had to say this again because it's still bothering me. Since I watched that video I have had butterflies in my stomach and I'm shaking.

I wish someone could help me or at least help me to help myself, but even my psychiatrist can't help me because she has never tried to dig. I control her. I tell her one thing and that is all we discuss... alcohol and exercise. It's always " stop drinking and exercise ". She wants me to join AA or some sort of support group, but I hate crowds, I usually don't like meeting new people... actually I don't like meeting new people because even if I initially like a new person, they always end up being a disappointment. The next time I see her will be just to say goodbye and then I'm done with her.

How can someone as nice as me end up like this. Unloved, unliked, undiscovered, unequaled and alone.
I'm so sick of spending time with me. Yeah I do like being alone, but not with mirrors.
I want to fucking die. Yeah I'm afraid of dying to a point, but I'm also afraid of living. I'm tired of living and nobody cares. Maybe if someone did it would be different.
Why can you not depend on people? Why?
Nobody gives a shit about others in this world nor do I. I was a fool to do so in the past.

I just want to give up. The only living I do is for others like my Dad and my " boss ". I don't know why I care whether or not I anger him because I hate the work I do. It's frustrating and doesn't pay well. On top of that I really don't deserve what I get paid now. If he paid me more money I would feel so guilty that I would have to quit. I can barely stand the pressure as it is. Actually I can't. How I have made it through the past few months is nothing short of a miracle.
NOBODY understands how seriously sick I've become. I constantly have the shakes and am jittery. My boss yells at me and tells me to calm down and that I'm making him nervous.
Every time I mention to him that I want to kill myself he tells me I should do it. He says I'm like the boy who cried wolf.
I'm not going to lie. My suicide threats are truly nothing more than a CRY FOR HELP, but I will cry wolf no more.
If I wait until my Dad dies to kill myself it will only be putting off the inevitable. There is no way I will be able to support myself and/ or this house alone and I would rather DIE than have another greedy, filthy human live here with me.

This is my spot, my world, my anything and everything. All my thoughts are right here with a link on and to my facebook page and nobody cares. This used to bother me, but after looking in the mirror tonight, after watching my YouTube video, it no longer bothers me at all. Ugly people have no need to be here. Ugly people are underachievers. It's fact. Ugly people do nothing but end up poor with a shitty job, pumping out ugly kids. FUCK the ugly in this world. They're useless.

This world is only for the beautiful, the wealthy. Those people are able to fuck people over to succeed in this world. Those people only care about sex and money. People are not deep.. not deep like me. Yeah everyone has feelings and I am the master at digging them out only to step on them. Just look at the pain I cause my Father. Maybe he deserves a lot of it in retaliation, but is equally vicious retaliation right? No.

I'm not a good person anymore. I'm so fucked up I can't even work anymore. I can't do anything for my Father because I already do it all. I'm his slave and his whore and his costly obsession and his punching bag.
To my boss I am the guy that fucks everything up and costs him money. I don't make him money. I am mad at him for not letting me go. I barely work as it is.
I don't like his attitude towards me most of the time anyway.

I guess I'll keep rambling on. I think Barack Obama is an arrogant nigger. He makes me sick too. The world makes me sick. People make me sick.

Fuck this! I'm going to double dose some seroquel and go to bed.

If you're reading this then you are.... fuck you!

My blog, My bitch session!

2010-03-14T15:05:00.000-07:00

Well here we are again. And by we I mean my thoughts and I. It seems to me that there is no escape at all from my mundane existence. I'm still stuck in the same " no where " job, which by the way my boss is still constantly behind on my small hourly wage pay. I mean it really doesn't matter though. I'm 36 years old and rarely clear $300/week. On top of that there are no taxes taken out and absolutely no benefits. This makes it difficult to be able to afford my monthly psychiatric medications, psychiatric doctor visits, health insurance and daily cost of living. Which brings me to my next paragraph: The Cost of my Living.

What does it cost me to live? Well that's a good question. Most would answer this question with a vague dollar amount, but my answer is a little less than those of the general population. Here, I'll make a list.

1. First and foremost the cost of my living is my esteem. You see my esteem has be literately destroyed by a fowl-mouthed Father that has consistently put me down for as long as I can remember, He says otherwise, but I don't care what he says. The truth is actions speak louder than words. Anyone remember this cliche from childhood? On top of my loving Father, girls have constantly rejected me. Easily enough I have given up on them. Other reasons my esteem is almost non existent are the fact that I've really never had a good job with the exception of HiFi Buys and Precision Tool and Die ( which by the way fired me exactly a week after having a panic attack at work ).
A quick not on P.T.&D., The boys ( the owner's sons ) both suffer from some sort of mental illness. The youngest has O.C.D. and I believe may be on medication for it. The oldest has more complex issues and although I'm not sure what they are, it was difficult working side-by-side with him. On the day they fired me the oldest son, which by the way is a self-proclaimed Christian, told me that he didn't understand how I could be happy and talkative one minute and quiet and depressed the next. Hmmmm...
Yet another reason I've little self esteem is the fact that most of my peers throughout grade school viewed me as odd and constantly picked on me. Not a big deal.

2. The second cost of my living is the way I feel about myself; not so much my esteem, but my own external and internal self-image. The most important part of this is that I'm convinced there is not one peer in this world such as myself. In other words I feel utterly alone and know that nobody will ever understand me or even want to try. True no two humans are alike, but many have several things in common. For me they're few. I hate looking in the mirror. It sickens me.

3. Loneliness. Yes I have people in my life that I call friend. Some even may refer to me as a friend, but this is really not the case. I may be an asset in times of need for some, but a friend never. Nor am I much of a friend. I tend to disconnect myself from others. The reasoning is very complex, but I'll do my best to explain as abridged as possible:

People are NOT to be trusted!
NEVER let your guard down!
My heart is a rock.
Woman are always up to something and are only nice to you in order to either get something from you or to use you as a stepping stone.
Don't ever, under any circumstances, trust a self-proclaimed Christian.
I've been FUCKED by just about everyone I've ever encountered in my life starting with my Grandmother all the way up to my current boss ( with the exception of those " just acquaintances ".
I don't fit in with people, normal people, party people, happy people, wiggers, thugs, rednecks, etc... you get the picture.
All people are leaches

4. My nerves are shot. This is no exaggeration. When I'm home alone in my room and my Father calls just the sound of his voice calling makes me jump! If the phone rings in wrenches my stomach. I have trouble sleeping. My mind is constantly racing and often I become obsessed with my emotions.

5. I'm a failure. Period. I've never really accomplished anything in my life.

Those are just 5 facts that cost me my living.

I love this blog because this could very well be my suicide note and nobody will ever read it, not even after I'm gone.

When people commit suicide there are always the same remark: " I wish he would have talked to us " or " We could have helped him " or my favorite one " All the signs where there " People tend to act like they care after the fact, but people are much to bust caring about themselves to care about others.

The last time ( second ) I attempted suicide ( yes, a cry for help ) I was taken away by the police after a neighbor called them. My Dad was asleep and never knew anything about it. When I told him about it his response was " Why do you blame everything on me? All I want to do is make you happy. " He really doesn't give a shit about me. He never takes me seriously and he still considers me a " kid " as he calls me. He still calls me and tells me to come home and he still does his best to control me. I always submit because I can't stand arguing and yelling at all.

He will be one of the " He told me and I was too stupid to listen. " Assholes.

People are so easy to read for me that it has lost it's thrill. What once brought me so much fascination has turned into a dull and predictable game.

My psychologist tells me that I can change my life. Too bad no one will hire me due to a devastating misdemeanor on my record that CAN NOT be removed for the rest of my life due to state law. There is nothing I can do to better myself anymore. I've tried.

I intend on killing myself because unlike a teen that has so much life left, I'm 36 and have failed.
There is absolutely nothing left. The girl that likes me scares me because I don't want to get married or date and I don't want a quick fuck.
I don't want a relationship. I don't like answering to people.
I've answered to my Father my whole life and he is the LAST person to EVER have any type of control over me. True my boss does to an extent, but the only reason I work for him is because my Father insisted that I go back to work for him after six months of being out of work, by trying my best to find one. I was going to work at McDonalds or something, but he said no. I would have been a lot better off.

I may have a lot of nice possessions, but they only bring temporary joy. They are worthless without someone to share them with. The problem is that there is no one worthy of sharing them with.

I've decided to end my life. This is not a decision I've just made. I have been contemplating this for the past few years and have struggled with the pros and cons. I've thought it out and have " made my peace " with God. We ALL will never get out of here alive and I certainly don't want to endure anymore insults or disappointments in life.

The ONLY thing that would and could keep me alive is a winning lottery ticket. Why? If I had a substantial amount of money I would move away to another country and buy some " friends ". Everyone likes you when you buy them. I can no longer do this like I once could so I'm out... of time... of friends... of money.. of desire for anything other than death.

I'm not sure who to leave my things to. In my will everything goes to my Dad or my brother. If I could change my will all I have would be sold and donated to cancer research.

So with all this suicide threat how will I do it?

Oh the internet is such a wonderful tool. Seroquel is such a wonderful drug. What a peaceful way to go. The dream of all... to fall asleep and never wake up.

My birthday is in July and on that day I will silently take a walk saying goodbye to all I have known. Rather than leave a mess for my Father he will get a phone call a few days later when they find my body in the woods, asleep in a sleeping bag. The sky will be the last thing I see.
I want it to end this way because besides the human mind the sky is the most mysterious thing in the world, or is it around the world? Is it the door to the universe? Does God live just beyond human reach? The sky is humble. It provides us so much in the form of rain, wind, sun and darkness. The sky is a true love of mine. Sometimes I believe if the sky was a person that it would be my peer.

Well since no one is ever going to read this I suppose I can end this anyway I choose so....

You are the beauty you've never known
You are the love you've always longed for
You are the breathtaking smile
You are the sweetest smell imaginable
You are painful love
You may be lust, but it's true lust

Desire

You are the hug I never received
You are the kiss I've always longed for
You are the dream that never came true
You are the one who walks on by
You are perfect
You are the one who could have saved me

Love

You are small talk
You are a quick hello
You are as I, unknown
You are oblivious to me truly
You are a fire
You are a dream

You are my fascination

Not really a dream of Jesus

2010-02-10T12:14:00.000-08:00

preface:

This is a true story and I will try to recount it to the best of my ability.

Last night I was up until about 2:00am. Lately I have been restless so my waking hours have increased gradually over the past few days. When I finally lay my head on my pillow I was immediately engulfed in a vision, a dream perhaps. But it was very real to me.

For just a moment I saw the face of Jesus. A face like the default picture many of you may imagine him to look like. Then the face quickly disappeared and I was struck with yet another image. This was of a man that was clean shaven. I could not make out the features of his face, but I knew it was him. I caught only a glimpse of him because I felt unworthy to look him in the eyes. Although rather than feeling guilt I was overwhelmed with contentment and an instant desire to bow to this man. At that moment as I glanced upon his feet I realized I was surrounded by many, many others. We were all in human form. I could smell his feet. It was a pleasant smell. There are know words to describe the way being is his presence made me feel, but I knew all those around me felt the same.

The only way feeling I can compare to this was how content I felt in just knowing he was there. I felt so safe and comfortable like a child in the arms of his loving mother or father. All I wanted to do was bow in his presence. Kneeling to him brought me joy like I had never known. It was the happiest moment of my life. This struck me as odd because in a literal sense bowing and worshiping someone doesn't seem like it would bring any joy. In my worldly mind bowing to someone seems like it would only be done if forced to do so. But bowing to him was the only desire I had. Although I could clearly remember everything that brought me joy or happiness in my life up to this moment all of them combined could not compare to just how amazing it felt to be in his presence. So powerful I couldn't dare look at him which was fine because even with my eyes closed I knew he was there and I was so content, so comfortable. I could feel his presence and it was ALL I needed.

This is a true story of a dream that came to me in the early morning hours of February the 10th, 2010.

I know that there are many skeptics that will never believe this. That's fine. I did not write this to try to convince anyone that God is real or to convert anyone to Christianity. I only wrote this to share my true experience. My only reply is that I hope that EVERYONE will someday feel the way I did in his presence. It is the only thing that I long for; to feel that way again. I can't wait to experience this again. When and where or even " if " I will never know. The truth of the matter is that I feel as though for whatever reason that Jesus shared his presence with me for a brief moment and gave me a feeling I will long for the rest of my life.

Donny

The story of my life

2010-02-08T15:38:00.000-08:00

My name's not important
Nor is my age
My life's not a story
It's only a page

I haven't changed much
Since I finished high school
So many mistakes
And I never knew

How being so different
Would take control
And teach me of things
That I'll never know

I never had children
Or even a wife
I feel discontented
Having squandered my life

Seasons have come
And seasons have past
And all of my friendships
They never last

For this isn't a story
It's only a page
And if I could grow up
I'd act my age

So much time
has come and gone
I can't help but wonder
Where did I go wrong

People I've known
And places I've been
Always remembered
But gone with the wind

And today is no different
Alone in my room
hoping that Jesus
Would come see me soon

All I have left
is just a guitar
A light all my own
But never a star

A comforting moment
A moment in time
A joy and a sadness
And both of them mine

For this isn't a story
It's only a page
And if I could grow up
I'd act my age

Is the beauty of the world in the faces of the ugly?

2010-01-22T18:24:00.000-08:00

So today after work I came home to find Dad in bed not feeling well. We decided to fend for ourselves for dinner so after a few hours of gazing into the television I decided to kill two birds with one stone by breaking the boredom with a trip to the Waffle House. What an enlightening evening.

As I sat there alone at the counter I couldn't help but feel the usual " we're so busy " tension in the air. The waitress asked me what I wanted to drink and as I sat there I began to look around. I started to really concentrate on everyone's face around me. My though process was interrupted by the laughter of some teen-aged girls sitting in a booth at the end of the counter. My immediate thought was that they were laughing at me as that is how my brain interprets unfamiliar laughter. I had to tell myself that they weren't laughing at me and somehow I mustered up the strength to look in their direction. That's when it hit me.

A wave came over my body. I started seeing people in a different way right then and there. A lump started to build in my throat. I looked around the room. I started concentrating once again at the faces before me. Beauty. I could see the wrinkles in the faces of some of the woman that worked there. Beauty. I could see insecurity and hurt in the face of the young, pretty waitress. An almost sadness, but still beautiful. There was so much life and pain all around me; So much hurt and sadness, but also a lot of hope. I began to wonder how many of these people were feeling loved. I mean can you be loved and feel loved even when you are away from the
" object of love ", i.e. the one whom you share this love with? I wonder because everyone in that Waffle House tonight carried a lot of pain. So many weather marks of life. I was just astounded.

I saw a lot of smiles tonight, but are smiles just a blanket to cover are true feelings? I've heard it said that if you learn to keep smiling even when you're sad that the smile will eventually turn genuine. I wonder if that's what some of these people tonight were trying to do. To cover their feeling with a smile from the inside out or from the outside in. I can only speak for myself in regards to smiling and for me it hurts. I smile to hide my feelings and to try and shrug off my overactive mind. The mind that haunts me. My only " true " smiles are just an alcoholic illusion. What extension of character, if any, is in a smile?

Anyway the point is that in these many faces; tired, ugly, wrinkled, dull faces is beauty. In the many shiny, smooth, young faces; there is beauty. Now the tragic thing to me is that upon these faces are miles and miles of life up until this very point. So if you ever really begin to look and I mean really look at someone's face it will indeed reveal something and it will be beautiful among the right light because to me there is even beauty in hate, in resent, in anger and in shame. Yes there is beauty among all of the ugly faces, maybe even my own.

A side note to why I wrote this down:

The past week or so has been very tough for me having run out of seroquel and going into extreme withdrawals. I was running a fever and had the shakes even more so than usual. Not to go into too much detail, but tonight my mind is playing severe tricks on me and I'm really thinking about going to the hospital. I'm again alone and afraid. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the night. I'm tired of feeling this way and just wish my mind would/ could settle down. I'm dizzy, I'm shaking and my stomach ( even well before I ate ) is very unsettled. I know I need help, but I'm so afraid to go to the hospital. Is my ( insert mental disorder here ) face my tragic beauty?

tradition ritual

2010-01-11T18:31:00.000-08:00

When I look
In the mirror
I think I like
What I see

Because it's all
getting clearer
What has become of me

I see scars
of every size
But the deepest
are in my eyes

Evil-lution
but no change
looks like I'm losing
My favorite game

That's ok, yeah
It's alright
because tomorrow's
another fight

and they're are lines
Upon my face
That tell tales
Of better days

Wrinkles forming
On my brow
What has become of me now

Crooked teeth
Behind my frown
Another family
hand-me-down

That's ok, yeah
It's alright
because tomorrow's
another fight

And there is pain!
And there is love!
And there is war!
when push meets shove

And there is hate!
And there is shame!
And there is no one else to blame!

But it's ok
yeah it's alright
because tomorrow's
another fight!

Another battle!
Another fight!
Another day of lonely nights!

party time

2010-01-04T16:23:00.000-08:00

I'm hiding from you... all
You see me jump
but turn other way
melting me
your confusion
or delusion

Are you safe?
Am I?

Bake your bread on my shoulder
Weigh me down
The television is truth
enough for you
but not for me

simplicity is complex
you have no compassion
death to the story teller
death to the truth

Beside me I sit
Tangled in your lives
condemned
sleeplessnes
The heart of the matter
is you
is me

feel me yet?

Another song on the radio
can you dance
forget your problems
you have none
I'll stand against the wall
in silence
awkward clothes

waiting

my 122112 is not a hoax

2010-01-03T15:26:00.000-08:00

I've just spent the past several hours looking online for two things. Support groups for mental health ( depression, personality disorders ) and a glimpse of hope in finding a real job. I'm so foolish to even try. The more I look the more obvious it becomes to me that there is but one way yo solve my problems.

I just can't imagine myself enduring much more of these failed attempts to find some sort of self-worth. I think I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow, but honestly I don't even have a real job and I'm not even sure if I'll be able to wake up in the morning. I've had to struggle and fight myself just to find the energy to get out of bed each day.

Now my Dad is telling me that he needs financial help. I can't even afford to take care of myself with the money I make. My car is having problems and I don't even know how I'm gonna get it fixed or how long it will be until I can't drive it anymore.

I've never been able to do anything right. Why even today while I was pumping gas into my Dad's work truck the fuel spilled on my new shoes. I tried to make a sandwich for lunch and dropped some of it on the floor. I even spilled the milk at breakfast. Anyway I shouldn't even be eating because I'm so fat.

I know this all sounds so pathetic, but like I've said before; no one will ever read this garbage anyway. It's just that I have always had trouble putting my feelings into verbal words. I've always felt better writing my feelings down. Although sometimes even this can be a challenge as my mind sometimes is incredibly inefficient at being able to comprehend its' own thoughts.

My nerves are so frayed that even someone coughing in the other room causes me to tense up. I'm falling apart. I am just so tired of my life. I'm sure nobody's life is exactly what they imagined it to be like as a child, but still many people are happy. I can't really find a reason to be happy except for the fact that I know God loves me. Besides that if I ever smile or laugh it makes me so mad on the inside. I don't deserve to be happy. Not even for a minute. I've done nothing that should merit a state of happiness.

I somewhat feel selfish for letting go. My niece may cry, but she will be alright. She's smart and beautiful and so unique that someone will no doubt love her someday in a way that I've never know. She will only miss me as a memory for a short time.

I will keep blogging until one of three things happen:

1) Someone will love me. I don't want someone to intervene because they " care " and don't want me to die. Everyone says that. Words are so light sometimes when they are read or rehearsed yet the weight of words of anger and drunkenness are crushing with unbearable force. So don't give me the speech you found on the internet about how you care or for me to think of others. Love me.

2) I find a feeling of self-worth. Be it in the form of a job. Someone to mentor
( which probably is not a great idea as I'm pretty unstable in mood ) or some amazing life transformation hahahahahahaha!

3) I finally quit writing about suicide and my pain. I finally quit rambling like so many before me in hopes that someone will feel me. I finally stop playing the broken record and say goodbye.

deep eyes

2010-01-03T13:24:00.000-08:00

Oh oblivious child
You know not the pain you cause
Your smile is a dagger
cutting deep into my soul

Your eyes they drown me
I can smell you
I want to taste you
I live to dream you

You do not know me
You never will
Be here with me
soon

Understand me
love me
free me
complete me

A letter to the editor.

2010-01-02T18:24:00.000-08:00

Well here it is; 2010 ( a space odyssey ).

It's January the second at about 9:30 at night and I'm sitting on the left side of my couch with my lap top, well, in my lap. I'm wearing a white button down shirt with a loosely worn blue tie, old jeans and some black etnies with lime green laces. I haven't shaved in over a week. I'm in a weird state of anxiety so I decided to write about my mood in no particular order.

As of now I feel very anxious as stated before and for some reason I also feel very un-optimistic about my future. I still can't seem to get a proper diagnosis of my
" mental condition " which means that there still is no hope of a proper treatment which means at the moment ( or ATM for you " others " ) there is no hope.

I feel like everything I try ends in failure. Well it has all ended in failure. I'm 36 years old and can't seem to hold on to one single friend. I have never even began to have a healthy relationship with a girl and every time a girl shows any signs of interest I instinctively run away as fast as I can.

I don't trust people and always feel as though they are " up to something " or that they hold unknown motives for showing interest in me or my friendship. Maybe part of the reason is because I give so much to others ( time, money, etc. ) that I dream of others returning the same sort of help and friendship. I know that these hopes are unrealistic, but still this is how I feel. Every time I've tried to give someone the benefit of the doubt they have let me down.

My work history has been unstable as well. I've had a few good jobs, but always lacked esteem towards myself, like it's never good enough ( what I do ) or I wish I could do better. Once I even got fired from a job for reasons I will never know, but coincidentally enough it was about a week after having an anxiety attack on the job. They told me I wasn't praying enough and to spend more time in the bible.

Deep inside I know it's me, but I also know it's everyone else too. No one is good enough or fair enough and everyone is all about themselves. I feel like my whole life I've just been a stepping stone for others. A free meal or someone to use. I have never earned a fair wage for my work except when I worked for HiFi Buys and the machine shop ( where I was fired from ).

Another thing that frustrates me about myself is that I am unable to cry. I haven't cried since around the age of 13. I'm not sure what the psychological reason behind this fact is.

I've achieved many of the goals I've striven for in my life and every time I've
" reached the top " it has meant nothing to me. I can remember a time in my life when I was so tired of being alone and fat that I set out to get in shape. I knew that people, especially women, are a very superficial breed and my only chance of even being noticed was to build my body to perfection. I did just that. I spent well over a year trimming from 280 plus pounds to a solid, muscular 155. Still hardly anyone noticed. I gave up and let myself go again. Misery weighs the same no matter what the individual weighs.

I also think it's funny how I write to get things off my chest, but these words will never be read or understood by anyone but me. I mean who really takes enough interest in someone else to read their thoughts unless that someone is maybe Justin Beiber or Madonna or Michael Jackson. Still here I am; getting it off my chest.

I've had vast swings of faith with God as well. I mean I've always believed in God and have been close enough to him to know without a doubt that he is real and did create me, but I've also been so angry at him that I've cursed his name. I guess the reason for those emotions are pure selfishness. I have spent too much time worrying about me instead of God. The funny thing is I've almost become dependent on my own misery.

I've tried to kill myself before and here lately there hasn't been a single day where I don't think about it. I've even sat down and researched ways of ending my life and come up with an easy, painless way. Sometimes it scares me to know that I could do it right this very minute. Still I'm hanging on, maybe with a false sense of hope.

I've been abusing my body a lot more than usual lately with binge eating and tobacco. There are times when I don't even shower. Sometimes I barely sleep at all because I can't and other times I'll sleep ten or more hours. I don't want to work anymore. Things have gotten really slow at work therefore my hours have been nonexistent which has made me completely apathetic towards work. Besides the fact that I'm not good at what I do and to this day have no idea why my boss would even want to keep me around. In fact I've only really been good at a few things in my life, but I've never been the best at anything.

I am so afraid of sex that I find it almost impossible to become aroused. I have no idea why. Maybe it's my weird attractions that hinder me.

I feel as though there are very few people alive or dead for that matter whom have ever seen the world the way I do and that is very discouraging to me. I desperately search for an equal, but fear that none will ever cross my existence.
I've always felt trapped in me; in my life. Along with feeling trapped in myself I feel destined to be alone and that scares me.

There is no one else in this world that angers me as much as my Father, but there is also no one else in this world that loves me more than him and I've lived with him my entire life and when he's gone I don't think I'll be able to make it without him; especially not alone. I really feel as though if I don't have someone close to me at the time of his death that I may also die out of sheer anxiety and depression. I'm sure I will have so many regrets to live with that it will be overwhelming. I've always told him that you can't take back words and that is just as true to all of us, he and I.

People anger me. I sit here alone like this very, very often and wonder constantly, " What is wrong with me? ", " Why doesn't anyone like me? " I feel like I'm slowly falling out of my prime and that my talents and loves are not only unseen, but unwanted.

I wish someone would stumble upon this blog and reach out to me. I wish someone would sincerely show me that they care about me; that they're interested in me and what I have to say.

If I had money I would almost be willing to pay someone to love me because that may be the only way someone would slow down enough to look.

Sometimes I think that if I killed myself my blog would become popular and people would say things like, " It was so obvious. " or " He was such a beautiful person; I wish I would have known him. " or maybe even something like, " What a great mind, he is the kind of guy I can only dream about. ", but alas I doubt even if I did take my own life that anyone would even sit through the news report if there even was one.

Sometimes I think I could be so significant and yet I know that I'm truly insignificant. I don't know if that makes sense, but nobody will ever see this but God and I and we both know what it means.

Look at this, it's after ten O'clock and still I'm alone on a Saturday night like so many Saturday nights before. I'm dressed and anxiously waiting for something to do, but I know that in a few hours I'll be miserably crawling under the cover in silence and despair.

I know I'm a good person, but I also know that something is wrong and it is literally killing me having destroyed my life to date. My childhood was stolen from me and my teen years were a blur. My twenties were consumed with alcohol and rage and now in my thirties all I can recall is sadness and disappointment.

In the end I wonder if I'm responsible for how I feel today. I wonder if it's my view of the world that keeps me from living in it or am I really so boring that I'm truly a waste of effort to even know.

I guess it really doesn't matter because here I am having wasted over a half of an hour blogging to myself only to feel worse than when I began in the first place.

Maybe I'll get mad. I do that often. Sometimes the smallest thing will sent me into a fit of rage. Something so insignificant as dropping a pill bottle on the floor will have me spewing words that could waken the devil. Sometimes I spend hours looking in the mirror, changing clothes and yelling at my reflection. My reflection is a truth and truth, however sharp and revealing is nothing more than fact and fact is rarely painless. Even when I was very fit I still had the face of an ogre.

Oh well at least I've spent time tonight doing something. I can't say it beats the alternative because what alternatives do I really have? Surf the internet? Commit suicide? All viable options and still equally harmless to the world around me.
Sometimes I think about the impact my death would have on my Father, but then I'm reminded of the fact that he's 65 years old and in bad health so he will not have a lot of years to suffer. He also has his sister to console in as she too lost a child to mental illness. I just don't want him to blame himself even though he is part of the " big picture " I forgive him because he is somewhat ignorant and oblivious to my emotions and also how to deal with them or his owns for that matter.

I only hold hatred for a few in this world, but none more that the hatred I hold towards myself. I've created a monster piece by piece and day by day since early childhood. Struggling sexuality, confiding in the wrong people as I reached out for help and giving to those who only take are are faults in my existence. I've searched all over the internet for theories on how God sees my life and how he would react to my death and according to my results it seems that God would not have me. I don't like to believe that, but if it's true then why would I want to to wait to die? If it's true that God does not see me or hear me ( which I believe he does ) then what is the reason for long suffering? I see none, but still I pause and hope. I hesitate to ask God for help sometimes. It's not that I doubt him because I don't, but I also know that even though at times he can bring me great joy the world still has to knock me down to reality and the reality is that this is where I live. This is where we all live.

I'm so jealous of the happy ones. Even now as I write this I can see those guys at the bar smiling, smoking a cigarette. They are all drunk and cursing and talking about girls and who they want to fuck and who they fucked and how much money they have and how crazy I am and the girls; The girls talk about how ugly I am.

I'm not stupid in that respect. I know how the one-eyed world sees me. I'm nothing more than the butt of a joke. Someone to talk about and spread rumors.

Even when I lost all that weight the rumor around town was that I " snorted : my way to a lighter stature. HA! I guess the truth is boring. Oh no, wait! The truth is here in the letter. The proof is right here! You have to dig for the truth and let's face it, you need a mighty big shovel to get to the bottom of this page let alone to the bottom of the " truth ".

Maybe I'm just a confused smart ass. Maybe I'm just a self-centered bastard. Maybe I really am crazy. Maybe no one will ever know or even care to do so.

September, when it comes

2009-12-27T09:21:00.000-08:00

I have a project
I work when I can
The mirror gets in the way
It reveals what I am

I remember me
I remember when
I use to love somebody
The image of a man

I got bigger
I grew smaller
decayed ambitions
In shit I Waller

Silent screams
Silent agenda
Silent schemes
Silent September

I make my seasons
I take to cope
I hang in freedom
From the rope

I'm awake
But I'm not breathing
Some may laugh
Though none are grieving

Some say " wow, imagine that! "
" All the signs were there! "
" If we'd only listened! " " If he'd only listened! "
" We all told him that we cared. "

Do no more
Do no less
I've won the war
And now I rest

me too

2009-12-14T20:17:00.000-08:00

To those who have voices what do you believe their purpose to be?

voices in your head
thinking...
some would say the devil

true some would
I don't believe that
believe
what I hear punishes me

Why does it punish you?

hello

makes me do things I really don't want to do
we will see
Ever try going against it?

yeah
I go against it
sometimes ...

Okay, then have you ever tried going against it with God on your side?

and when I do
I get anxious and feel guilt
yes, I feel guilt

Then go against those feelings for they are not needed in you

What about you?
I went to war with them the moment they arose to position of power over me and I haven't backed down since

hmmm

I mean all out war destroyed the innocent ones with spirit and destroyed their God with power of logic but the remnants of the war remain the remnants I can't handle
I can handle them

Don't let guilt get to you
do not believe their lies

but there is joy in listening
For it is God that is waiting for you to believe and destroy them with your love
His love

Joy; is it good to you?
Is joy good for you; is it?

my voice is my voice
Is it the voice of God or Satan or is it myself challenging me?
I fight them

If I didn't I would be famous
but fame is what I really want!
but you must find for yourself, yourself
to find your source of power with them, within

I am powerless
God fights the big ones for me
and forgives me and feeds them

Then find your source with in you and fight back with your essence, with your spirit
I am polluted
Are you?
I don't back down

Were you born with any gifts of the spirit like speaking in tongues?
my birth is my gift
I'm glad you are alive then

me too

Those who roam the garden

2009-12-09T19:21:00.001-08:00

Why won't you wake up
I want to tell you a story
while it's still fresh in my mind
I want to tell you a story about an angry man

He hurts the ones he loves because he knows no love
wake up, please wake up
I want to tell you all about him
You have to see what he has done

The angry man blended in the crowd
He though everyone could see him
His eyes showed his feelings
But no one would look at him

Wake up, baby, I saw him today
He was standing right beside me
I think he even saw you
Why won't you wake up

I think he had a weapon
Yeah I think he had a weapon
to defend himself
but nobody saw it

WAKE UP

The angry man blended in the crowd
He thought everyone could see him
no one knew his feelings
because no one would look at him

Wake up, please wake up, please wake up
I forgot to take my pills today
And what's that all over you
Why won't you wake up

wake up. wake up, wake up
you have to meet him
wake up, wake up, wake up
he followed me home today

Why won't you wake up

The difference between life and death

2009-12-09T19:20:00.001-08:00

no more mask to hide behind
no more hiding from the light
I have to face my fears
I have to face my life

I wish I couldn't hear
I wish I couldn't remember

I have to look you in the eye now
my laughter fades to black
quit interrupting me
my pain, I'll take it back

the party is over now
everyone went home
memories return so clear now
and there is so much shame, I know

I wish you couldn't hear
I wish you couldn't remember

you make me sick
It's all your fault
I can't stand to look at you
because you unlocked the vault

You talked me into this
you dragged me all the way
you even laughed at me
every time I prayed

I wish we couldn't hear
I wish we couldn't remember

A picture of me

2009-12-09T17:41:00.001-08:00

Look at the picture
What do you see?
It's just an image
A reflection of me

Is it a story?
And can you read?
What does it tell you?
This picture of me.

Is there a smile
Or just a though?
Am I on a journey
Or am I just lost?

You keep on staring
Until you believe
That you understand
This picture of me

The truth of the matter is
You'll just never know
The way that I'm feeling
When the lense is closed

When I get back to my livving
Do you suppose
That's there's more to the picture
Then just skin and clothes?

Guess all you want to
It'll take time
To see the real picture
Behind these eyes

There's anger hiding
So deep within
But the pain and the sadness
It's just below the skin

And you can't smell it
But there's failre in the air
And the confusion
It's everywhere

But the one I hope
That someone will find
Is the key to unlock
This cold heart of mine

But it's only a picture
That noone will see
And all of these words
They're just a dream

But I've got me reasons
For hoping someone will see
The truth in this picture
This picture of me

" In a nut shell "

2009-12-09T17:40:00.000-08:00

I know some things are meant to be
And I know sometimes I believe in you and me
But I don't do well in company
And even in this prison of my own misery
I may be lonely, but that's what makes me free

There's different things that you can blame
luck or fate, to me it's all the same
And you, like me will make it through the pain
And all I want you to do is forget my name
I may be lonely, but that's what makes me free

I'm free to come and free to go
Free to act like I don't know
The answers to the questions that keep you up at night
And I'm free to keep believing that everything's alright

People come into your life
And then they go just like the night
And we wonder sometimes if they were ever really there
And why we'd waste our time with people that never seem to care

I'll just run
Yeah I'll just run
Away

I may be lonely, but I'm free

What's swimming?

2009-12-09T17:39:00.000-08:00

Part one:

All those words leave no scars
because I heel them in the bars
I drink them down with alcohol
the Lord never got my call
He left me here with you alone
With you so mighty on your throne

And the lump
That's in my throat
Is getting bigger
How will it end
It's hard to figure
Swallow it down

Sometimes all I want is a little rest
But you still say that you know what's best
Sometimes all I want is a little rain
To wash away some of this pain
The pain you cause, the pain I feel
Don't you tell me it's not real

And the lump
That's in my throat
Is getting bigger
How will it end
It's hard to figure
Swallow it down

I'm tired of working for a little pay
Just to come home to you each day
There's no peace in our home
And never any time to be alone
If I could I'd buy a gun
If I did I'd end you fun

And the lump
That's in my throat
Is getting bigger
How will it end
It's hard to figure
Swallow it down

You took a child and crushed his mind
Broke his will and made him blind
You tied him up by his little limbs
And you still have him by the strings
Too selfish to see what you've done
To busy to know what's yet to come

And the lump
That's in my throat
Is getting bigger
How will it end
It's hard to figure
Swallow it down

Part two:

I though he was sleeping
When I walked in
He didn't notice
me weilding a grin

He could tell I'd been drinking
So I suppose
From all of the liquor
Upon my clothes

No I wasn't nervous
I wasn't afriad
I gambled with demons
And I came out ahead

He never realized
That he pushed me too far
Until I stabbed him
When I came in from the bar

A lifetime a sadness
My whole world just pain
And through my own eyes
He was to blame

Now he lays so peaceful
The war finally done
He lay there just dying
I finally won

The time moved so slowly
As he tried to hang on
But it had only been minutes
Before he was gone

And all of my anger
And all of my pain
poured out of my body
just like summer rain

Still there's no refuge
From all I've endured
And if the law ever finds me
They'll be many years more

Father forgive me
For what I've become
But, you see you're the reason
For what I have done

You're the reason I run

Pointing fingers

2009-12-09T17:38:00.000-08:00

The rain poured down on my home town
And like the rain I was falling down
Sittin' in a chair and letting my mind roam
I thought to myself, " This don't feel like home "
" No this just aint where I belong "

The the thunder came along with the rain
And I still felt about the same
As we both cried out in pain
And lightening snuck in the background to shed some light

" What's so different about this night? "
" It seems like I can't do no right "

As the gutters spilled, the puddles filled
with pieces of dirt and of my work
That gathered just below my window sill
And when they had enough they over filled
Then washed away with the water and the wind
Oh it's such a sin

I saw it all going down the drain
I saw my life washing down the drain
You see me and rain we're sorta just the same
Noone really cares about our pain
Ain't it such a shame
To be called by so many wicked names
We both have noone we can blame
For how we fall or which way we came

Oh but it's all fair; If I dare
Because storm damge can be reapired
And rain clears up all the air, washes away my despair... sometimes
Yeah it makes way for sun
Makes you appreciate what it's done
Still to shelter do we run
When everything starts falling down

So many lessons learned
You see some people they carry the rain
They spill it on you and call you names
Trick you into playin' all their games
But they don't know what their doing now
And they could never tell you how
To hurt someone with purpose or with force
Afterall it's just a game of corse

Still these people are just pawns
Weilding different uniforms
And hiding from the sky
And hiding from the times when we die
By making sure you know how insignificant you are
By driving around in shiny cars and wasting money in the local bars.

Look outside and count the rain
We're all just one. We all look the same.
And we all should be ashamed of the puzzle pieces we've become
Tell me, was it in your plan to use me on the run?
So easy was it fun?
And don't you see what you've become?

There's a purpose for you and me
One is lust and one is greed
Some are things that noone needs
Others like the rain get washed away
But true friends might call back someday
When their short on Fridays pay

The rain poured down on my home town
And like the rain I was falling down
Sittin' in a chair and letting my mind roam
I thought to myself,

This don't feel like home
No there must be something wrong
Because I'm still all alone
But atleast I know it's safer this way
No Donny can't come out and play today

I'm just too busy counting all the rain.

In the key of G

2009-12-09T17:36:00.002-08:00

I break my back everyday
Building a tomb for little pay
The sun may shine, but the sky's still gray
And the angels won't take me away

Just can't wait 'till I hear 'em say:

Come home, child come home
You have no longer to roam
In your world all alone
Lay down child come home

God made me just how I am
For whatever reason I don't understand
But do ya think it's in his plan
To be the worlds' lonliest man

That girl she looked me in the eyes
But her kindness was her disguise
'Cause she always smiles when she lies
And though she hurt me it was no surprise

My Father that's a story to be told
And his weight is a heavy load
But there's know way to unload
Until one day when it all explodes

And the angels sing

Come home, child come home
You have no longer to roam
In your world all alone
Lay down child come home

Since I stopped sleeping

2009-12-09T17:36:00.001-08:00

since I stopped sleeping
There was hope, back then
Yes there was hope, back then

They told me I could become the president
And I believed them
I believed in me

And my Father could do anything, back then
Yeah my Father he could do anything, back then
And I loved him
Because he loved me

But quickly changes come around
And soon the world was upside down
I learned that money makes the world go 'round
So many new emotions that I've found

Take them away

We were living in a brand new town
My childhood smiles faded to frowns
Superficial peers, they put us down
And all our plans came crashing down

Still I thought that things would change
And someday I'd have my fame
But everything I wanted only caused me pain
I guess the good times never really came

So many people I could blame
But every victim is just ashamed
And anger is a monster that can't always be tamed
And sad stories always end the same

So take them away

If I had had one wish I know what it would be
I'd ask someone to take my dreams from me
Though they've kept me going on and on
You can only believe for so long

There's so much torture in the things you never do
There's so much sadness when they don't come true
And it's so foolish to want something new
Who's idea was it to make me hope for the things I do?

Dreams to me are some kind of game
And dreams aren't always easy to explain
And I don't care from where they came
No I'm not looking for someone to blame

Just take them away

Yes there was hope back then
Or maybe it was just pretend
Or maybe it was just the beginning of the end
either way

Just take them away

Please take them all away

I shovel shit and it's a life-long commitment

2009-12-09T17:35:00.000-08:00

I do it so well, but if you get too close to me then you are gonna stink so beware because this destination ain't on the road map!

When will this sadness pass? hahahahahahahahahahahaha
I'm so tired of this. ( broken record, record, record )
I want things and sometimes I get them and when I do.. I guess I just run.
I don't trust anyone with me.
I look to me left and see happiness.
I look to my right and see more or less the same.
I look straight ahead and see nothing, even though it's blury I can tell it's nothing.
I don't want to look behind me, but I do sometimes.
I just wanna hold it in my arms and make it sing... such beautiful torture.
I don't answer my phone because I'm selfish as I wallow in my fowl sickness.
It's just a pill away, a few hundred dollars and a few hundred pounds.
Everyone grew up, up and away from me as I watch from the starting line, broken down.
I am so afraid of you all... you can't be nice to me.. you can't " like " me.
You are up to something.. all of you and I can't sleep and God; He took my tears away forever. Why?
What does he have to gain?
Maybe it's just MY pride. ( get it? my pride.. hahaha I have so much to proud of as I look in the mirror )
I'm gonna run away someday, change my name, change my hair.
I'm gonna learn to play the guitar really well and then only play when I'm alone.
Yeah I'm gonna play guitar all the time.
I'm gonna be a dishwasher and pay taxes like every other American.
My ears are attached to my heart and they both get stuck in my mind sometimes.
And that my ' friends ' is where I am today.

genesis

2009-12-09T17:33:00.002-08:00

I was born in a little town that followed me around
If it ever was on top of a hill, it must have fallen down
I saw a place where kindness grows. That's where I was bound
I found a place to hide my dreams, but someone burned it down

As I child I could run, but now I've turned to stone
Once I thought I had some friends but they left me alone
Darkness fades into the light and soon it overcomes
The laughter of the misery is what we all called fun

And there's a place that's in my mind
Some folks search but never find
clothes your eyes and look again
I always knew you all were blind

Take a breath and have a seat
Look what we've become
Strangers all around this place
They speak in foreign tongue

And don't forget to save your money for a rainy day
And sharpen all of your swords, sacrifice the ones that pray
Keep all your treasures hid, the ones that you can't see
If they ever see the light they're useless to you and me

So now we're all out on the road, but the road is standin' still
Pack your lunch and alibi in case you have to kill
Fight the man in front of you and don't get left behind
The answers that you seek are always found in time

The only way that I'm up is when I'm feeling down
The only time I feel loved is when you're not around
Take these chains and tie me up, you don't have to try
Thoughtless sayings and better luck, no longer tears I cry

Abraham was just a man, blame him all on me
See the cross and the blood still I pay the fee
Sins sometimes weigh more than gold and cost you twice as much
Out of time and out of mind and sometimes out of touch

pleasant dreams

2009-12-09T17:33:00.001-08:00

I was blessed with bad eye sight
I can see the wrong from right
Unlike you
This much is true

You build walls to tumble down
And roads to turn around
happiness can't be found
until it's time to go

People travel many miles
Standing still among the piles
Come and go, but all the while
Nothing's meant to last

Someday the rent you owe
will become due
Someday the chain you've made
will be through

Kings may sit on velvet thrones
Poor folks dream about a home
noones happy on their own
but alone is all you are

fancy clothes can't hide your fears
and you can't cover up the years
of all your sins
what did you win?

in your youth the time flew by
you stayed too stoned to recognize
that clock upon your wall, never knew
one day you'd fall

The water's rising faster now
than you ever thought
and every hope you've ever had
is another dream that's lost

Still, someday the rent you owe
will become due
Someday the chain you've made
will be through

Fat People

2009-12-09T17:32:00.000-08:00

I just can't sleep alone anymore
So I stay up and clean the floor
And search for treasure in my drawers
It's a temporary thrill

I wish for things that I can't have
I read the bible just for laughs
I play guitar with an autograph
A song no one will hear

I wonder what people see
When their eyes are upon me
The cover's just a fallacy
Good just isn't here

Then my phone begins to ring
But I don't want to talk to him
I'm busy plotting evil schemes
Alone down in my room

I'm in the closet with an unlocked door
But most of them just want a whore
What do you want to use me for?
It's time to change my clothes

I dream that I could dream
Don't you wish that dreams came true?
What would my dreams do to you?
I bet you wish that you knew

BUT NOTHING ever happens
and NOTHING ever changes

I just can't sleep alone
No I won't answer the telephone
I may be in, but I'm not home
I'm just someone all alone still

Damn, God

2009-12-09T17:31:00.000-08:00

God,

I know time doesn't matter to you, but right now to me it does.
It may not seem that it's been long to you, but I don't know how much more I can take. From the outside looking in, to my "friends" that are looking in, it seems like I've got it made. I know things could be a lot worse and I'm thankful for all I have.
In your hand book the theme seems to be great suffering followed by great reward. Have I not suffered enough? Have I began suffering? Only you and I know what is in here, right? Who can I relate to? God, why don't stop this. Look what I have been through and what I am going through. I don't want to spend anymore time in this part of life.

What's that Cliche from your hand book... that diluted book of painful shit; The dagger that cuts people to pieces? Oh yeah " The Lord gives and takes away " Yeah well that's true. Remember my life in Texas? It's gone! What about my job and my back? What happened to them? Why did you put in the path of that storm? Why did I get killed by the Fosters? You saw it and you sent me back to Hell with Russ. Is this what you want? And why do you let my Dad get away with it? I know that I'm a piece of shit, but you made me and your world shaped me.... your world of churches and "Christians". I'm so close to letting go of you. Maybe I have to go to prison to find you? Is that where you are? Can't you see how fucked up I am? Look at me! Is there ever gonna be a way for me to be happy on earth or do I have to wait until you come and get me? Will you come and get me? I know I have no peers on earth and I guess I no longer care about the respect of others. I know what I am, but damn.. If I can't be happy and I can't have love and I can't be skinny and I can't have talent or strength; is there at least a chance of happiness? I mean I know I could do a lot of if I had motivation, but look what happened the last time I was up. I fell that much harder. YOU did it! Didn't you? A good job, a good body, money in the bank and light at the end of the tunnel. All GONE! Now I'm miserable and in shit up to my nose. God does anyone else really hate themselves like me? So down that as soon as someone likes me a red flag pops up in my head and I run... I run because I remember. I remember when I loved. That was... well I still have the scars.

I used to believe in you with all my heart. But my heart isn't doing so well. I'm starting to doubt. I'm sorry, but it's true. How can you see me like this and not free me? If I'm still welcome up there, please come get me now because if you don't soon than we're through. I'm gonna start checking off the list. You know the list. MY list. I'm not threatening you. I'm begging you.... PLEASE HELP ME!

This just has to change. I'm not taking anymore pills. I want a change, not a pill to make me not give a shit anymore. Don't you see how everyone fucks with me?

I'm sorry that I'm so mad at you, but I am just trying to remind you in case you forgot. Please give me inspiration, motivation and the eyes to see what path to take. I have to get out of this. You know it's bad when in the back of your mind you hope your Father dies. You know it's bad when in the back of your head you hope that you die. You know it's bad.

Oh and thanks for the sore throat.. it's been a good month since I had one.

The big bang theory

2009-12-09T17:30:00.000-08:00

If I had a weapon
I could use against the world
I would leave at night time
And I would start with all the girls

I'd stop all the pollution
That pours from within their wombs
No ignorance would blossom
No one would have to choose

I'd end all the teaching
Of those who prophesies
There would be no more religion
To make the people cry

If I had a weapon
I'd wouldn't run away
If I had a weapon
I'd make the guilty pay

I'd stop all poor ones
From steeling everything
The government don't give them
The right to live that way

No innocent would suffer
The rest of you I'd slay
"Finally we're all happy"
That's what the good would say

Yes FINALLY we're all happy
To see another day

And if I had a weapon
Everything would change
You'd see me up on T.V.
But I'd have nothing to explain

As my plan unfolded
right before your eyes
The contributors rewarded
The worthless left to die

And all who made me suffer
Would be the last to go
So they could see it coming
When they wouldn't know

If I had a weapon
I'd wouldn't run away
If I had a weapon
I'd make the guilty pay

So look at your existence
And tell me what you'd do
If I found a Genie
To make my dream come true

Would you all start running
Or grab your battle gear
We could have some fun then
If you had no fear

If I had a weapon

Touch me

2009-12-09T17:29:00.000-08:00

The sun, the sky is shining bright
But it's hidden by the clouds
Nobody hears the voices
Because they're screaming way too loud

Do the best you can
By killing other men
Yeah, that'll do the trick
Make your money quick

The moon, at night glows from up above
Shining down with love
But you can't touch it without a glove
People push, but you don't shove

No I don't know
Which way the wind will blow
No I don't know
The difference between the highs and lows
I can't tell
How I feel
But it's real

Under darkest skies of red
You lie awake in bed
Thoughts racing through your head
What was that they said:

Did we win or did we fail
The check is in the mail
Stand on your own feet
Listen, can you take the heat

No I don't know
Which way the wind will blow
No I don't know
The difference between the highs and lows
I can't tell
How I feel
But it's real

Now the days blends into night
You wonder if you should stay and fight
The monster's down the hall
Because the pills don't work at all

You packed your things this time
And nobody tried to change your mind
But what your really running from ( is ya )
Don't wanna be what you've become

No I don't know
Which way the wind will blow
No I don't know
The difference between the highs and lows
I can't tell
How I feel
But it's real

Always the same cliche
Tomorrow's another day
Hit your knees and pray
Don't let love slip away

But your love is on the sheets
Your friends are in your head
Your work is not complete
That's what Jesus said

No I don't know
Which way the wind will blow
No I don't know
The difference between the highs and lows
I can't tell
How I feel
But it's real

Bill

2009-12-09T17:28:00.000-08:00

Another world, living all alone
Another prison that doesn't feel like home
Another name to explain why my mind roams
Another day

Is there a light on somewhere inside this place?
Was that a smile I saw upon my face?
Are there still dreams here close enough to chase?
Can you tell me?

No dark glass or aluminum cans
No Friday night and no social plans
No bar maid to tell my problems too
Just me and you, a new shade of blue

Cover my emotions with little pills
Take away the sadness, take away the thrills
Take away the anger and take away me fears
Make me smile for the rest of my weary years

Someday I'll fit in or maybe rise above
Someday I'll be the one somebody loves
Someday I will look back and laugh about the pain
Someday when they ask, maybe I'll explain
When I'm happy

But for now with reasons no one knows
I have hide the truth, the truth that I don't know
I have to wear my camouflage and hope it doesn't show
No one knows me

Another bottle, another name
Another character added to the game
Another symptom and another problem solved
Another year, how much have I evolved

I'm still ugly
still unhappy
still I miss you

Moving Day

2009-12-09T17:27:00.000-08:00

Here comes the city
Here comes the rain
Here comes the fear
Of the heat from the flames

Here comes the loneliness
Here comes the fear
Here comes the answer to
Anywhere but here

So goodbye to the old times
And hello to the new
Times to surround myself
With a different shade of the blues

Does the city have open arms
Or will the big city cause me more harm
And will I find love or end up alone
Will the big city ever feel like a home

I can play my guitar out on the deck
Or walk down the street and be called a redneck
I can spit on the street or spit on the floor
As long as at night I lock my door

When I play my guitar will they all laugh
Or will someone ask me for an autograph
And when I sing will they sing along
Or tell this old cowboy it's time to move on

And will the city swallow me hole
Crush all my dreams and burden my goals
I'm sure That I'll make it cause I'll find a way
I'm moving down to the city today

Here comes the city
Here comes the rain
Here comes the fear
Of the heat from the flames

Here comes the loneliness
Here comes the fear
Here comes the answer to
Anywhere but here

So goodbye to the old times
And hello to the new
Times to surround myself
With a different shade of the blues

Progression

2009-12-09T17:25:00.000-08:00

The clock on the wall keeps ticking away
The clock on the wall is stealing my days
And I don't no where to go

An old man is running out of day
But still he dreams of running away
But he don't know where to go

A young boy dreams of the ways
To spend his future so far away
But he don't know the way to go

No we don't know
Where to go

Sometimes the world runs out of love
Some people push, some people shove
But no one knows 'cause truth don't show

No the truth don't show

So in your life of running around
you look up and you look down
But which way will you go

The truth is
That we don't know

Birth

2009-12-09T17:24:00.000-08:00

I'm from where everyone's from, but only few will go.
No one wants to talk about it. No one wants to know.
You can smell the sin of my travels, it's even on my shoes.
But there's no need to find me because I'm not on the news.

I hide in a city, miles away, across the room from you.
You think that you may see me, but there's nothing you can do.
There's nothing you can say and why ,why would you even try?
I'm the best thing in your life, but you wouldn't notice if I died.

So now your caught in traffic as the radio drones. You may ponder MY words, sitting still, so close to home.

And when you arrive who is glad to see you? Who is glad to see you?
Oh precious, sweet things. I work so hard to keep you.
Will you love me? Comfort me? Keep my thoughts at bay?
The answer is no.

The bottles break against the wall, but no one can hear you.
But I can
Where are you from?

Spare change

2009-12-09T17:22:00.000-08:00

Why do I dream so much?
Why do I waste the day?
Why when I'm at work do I feel so far away?

I wish I was like you.
Yeah I wish I knew.
The direction I was headed and if I was on my way.

But it's not so simple.
No it;s not so clear.
And I just don't know how to get there from here.

But everyday comes and goes and nothing seems to change.
I go through the motions with only me to blame.
I'm trapped in my mind and running out of time.
What should I do?

Wish I could run away.
But I won't get far.
Because no matter where you run, there you are.

So I dream some more.
Then I 'll complain
Like I said before nothing's EVER gonna change.

And when I can't sleep
I pick up my guitar
I wish I was alone, but there I am again.

And everybody comes and goes and nothing seems to change.

I go through the motions with only me to blame.

I'm trapped in my life and running out of time.

What should I do?

Yeah

What should I do?
And where can I go?
And this love inside of me will they ever know?
Does anyone ever want to know.

And love could I share?
Is it still in me?
Or like everything else is love still just a dream?

Who is this guy?

2009-12-09T17:19:00.000-08:00

I cause the laughter in a room
When I sing of doom and gloom
As pathetic as it seems
This is how I dream

I am the butt of every joke
No I don't have the antidote
I offer no reply
No not to you or I

I'm just the junk mail in your box
I am the ticking of your clock
Overlooked and thrown away
This is how I start my day

I am the nightmare in your sleep
Don't let me go too deep
When the surface is so safe
depth is just a waste

I am everything you hate
And everything that you can't take
So "special" and so clean
My head's bustin' at the seams

Your deafness is so loud
And your ignorance so proud
You live inside a box
Take your hate out for a walk

You say you know my type
And you don't believe the hype
"Attention is what he seeks"
"He's just bein' weak"

But the jokes on you
I see EVERYTHING you do
How you shiver in your sleep
The promises that you don't keep

I am your envy